Why we stay - my perspective

I think one of the questions I've been asked the most (and perhaps one of the questions I've asked myself the most) is "why did you stay?" There are many different versions of this question:

• "Why the hell didn't you get out?" 
• "What were you thinking?"
• "Of all people I would have never expected you to tolerate that." 
• "How could you let someone do that to you?"
• "I thought you were smarter than that?"

...and so on, and so forth. This question can be incredibly irritating even if the person asking it means well. The feeling I get when I hear these types of questions is that it's somehow my fault that I was abused. Somehow I was the cause, and if I had just left, it would have all stopped. While this seems like a perfectly reasonable and obvious solution, nothing about domestic violence is ever easy or simple. There is a plethora of reasons why people stay in abusive relationships, and everyone's story is different. Sure - there are often similarities between abusers and abusive relationships. Sometimes those similarities are uncanny! But, ultimately the details will differ, and I couldn't even begin to list all the possible reasons why someone would stay.

Here are some of the reasons why *I* stayed as long as I did (5 years):

• Charm. I list this first because it is probably the earliest form of manipulation that led me to stay in my abusive relationship. If abusers acted like abusers from day one they probably wouldn't be able to have very many relationships. My abuser was very charming in the beginning. It seemed too good to be true (because it was). He doted on me. He did things for me. He treated me like I was the most important person in the world. And that can be very flattering, particularly, if you have low self-esteem like I did.
• Vulnerability. This can take on many different forms, but in my case I had lost my father to a long battle with cancer approximately one month before meeting my abuser. My father and I were extremely close, and I took it very hard. There were qualities that my abuser had that reminded me of my father on some subconscious level. I'm sure my abuser sensed all of this, sniffed it out like a rabid dog, and went into predator mode. Abusers seem to have a sixth sense that allows them to pick out the perfect victims. I was in no state of mind to go up against that.
• Past exposure to abuse. I had been exposed to a large amount of verbal abuse, controlling behavior, and manipulation in the past. I regarded it as normal because I grew up around it. When it started to happen to me I didn't immediately recognize it as abuse because I normalized it. By the time the physical abuse started I was already entrenched in the relationship (I was pregnant at that point). This normalization of abuse in the household, and even by society in general (don't get me started on this - it will be a totally separate blog topic) makes it difficult for an individual to realize they are in a sticky situation. (Side note: it is a well known fact that girls that witness domestic violence are more likely to become victims of domestic violence in the future; boys that witness domestic violence are more likely to become abusers themselves).
• Lack of education regarding domestic violence. Nowadays many schools have programs that teach teens about dating violence. There was no such program when I was in school. I don't remember anyone ever talking to me about abuse, not even my mother. I think there was a sense of "that won't happen to my daughter" and "if I ignore it, it won't happen." If I had been educated on the topic I may have been able to recognize early warning signs that my abuser exhibited, and may have ran far, far away. Some of these early warning signs include jealousy, possessiveness, always wanting to spend every moment together. While I didn't necessarily enjoy those traits in him, they did feel a bit flattering. I thought he really, really cared about me and just loved me so much he couldn't spend a minute apart from me. Wrong! (Read more about early warning signs of future abuse: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm)
• I have a daughter. I was raised to believe that families should stay together no matter what. I was reluctant to break up my "family" by leaving my abuser. I didn't want to take her "father" away from her. It took a long time for me to realize that no father is better than a crappy abusive father. Staying together for the "sake" of the child(ren) is an exceptionally bad idea I found.
• Guilt. My ex had me so brainwashed I thought that I would be a horrible person if I just "abandoned" him. He was from a different country, and I "dragged him" to the U.S. How could I just leave him "all alone" in a strange place when he could barely speak the language?
• Fear. I never wanted to be a single mother, and I thought I couldn't handle it. This was compounded by the fact that my ex made me feel like a worthless piece of garbage that couldn't do anything right.
• Sheer terror. This was a huge factor in keeping me in that relationship. My abuser told me multiple times he would kill me if I ever tried to leave. He also threatened to kidnap my daughter and run off to the jungle with her where I'd never be able to find her. He terrorized me with the threat of great bodily harm (genital mutilation) if I ever was with another man again (including in a future marriage).
• Embarrassment. I was ashamed to admit to anyone that I was being abused. So, somehow in my twisted reality I thought it would be better to hide it.
• Isolation. My abuser single-handedly, slowly, and insidiously isolated me to the point where I no longer had friends. Before meeting him I was very social - I had TONS of friends - and used to go out several times a week. After years of abuse I was so beaten down I didn't even want friends anymore because it was too much of a hassle to constantly have to explain my situation to people and to constantly have to explain to my ex that no, I was not cheating on him, I just wanted to have a friend or two. I was terrified of being alone, and even worse, without friends or family. He alienated EVERYONE in my life except my mother, who wouldn't stand for it.
• Baggage. I worried that no one would ever love me "again" (I use quotation marks because my abuser was not actually capable of loving anyone besides himself) because I would now have so much baggage. I knew I was "damaged goods." I literally felt stupid and figured everyone else would think the same of me. My abuser worked hard to convince me that no one would even want me because I was "fat," "ugly," "stupid," "a slut," "a horrible wife and mother," "a bitch," and so on.
• Physical inability to leave. My abuser blockaded me in the house whenever I tried to leave him. He would beat me down, choke me, hold me, block doors, knock me on the ground, anything he could do to physically force me to stay home. I would eventually get exhausted and give up, which leads me to...
• Exhaustion. Being in an abusive relationship is a full-time job. It drains every last ounce of energy you have and leaves you with little else to work with. I had three jobs by the time our relationship ended. I had a three year old child to take care of. Where would I possibly get the energy to leave him, file for divorce, actually go through the divorce, all while continuing to work? I just didn't have the energy to face all of that. There was a strong feeling of hopelessness and helplessness that permeated my life.
• Failure of the justice system. This is one of the more important reasons why I stayed as long as I did, and will likely be the subject of several future blog posts. My abuser was arrested in 2007 for hitting me and was never prosecuted for it. He later expunged it from his record. The result was that the state's attorney's victim's advocate decided that my case was not worth pursuing since I did not choose to press charges the first time he was arrested. The police stopped taking me seriously as well. But why didn't I pursue charges the first time? He was arrested in the evening. The next morning he was released ON HIS OWN RECOGNIZANCE... in other words, he didn't even have to pay a dime to get out of jail because he had never been arrested before. (Let's not forget that he had been in the U.S. for 3 weeks so of COURSE he didn't have a record!!!?!!!) Even though there was a no contact order in place, he still came home as soon as he could get there and told me that if I testified in court or called the police again that he would kill me. If I did testify in court I knew he wouldn't go to jail, or if he did, it would only be for a very short time. How did I know this? The maximum penalty for a misdemeanor domestic battery charge (yes, that's right, it's a misdemeanor!!) is 364 days in the county jail (not prison). The state's attorney's office informed me that they would be offering him a deal where he would get off with probation. Clearly, this type of "punishment" was not going to stop him. I knew that. And I also knew, in my altered reality, that if he went to jail, or if he was convicted of domestic battery, that he would come for me. Revenge was a given.
• Intimidation. My abuser constantly talked about how much he hated his ex-girlfriend (a.k.a. the mother of his other abandoned daughter). He would plot ways to kill her and get her out of the picture. Inject her with HIV tainted blood! Knock her out with chloroform and slit her throat! All this talk had the, probably, desired effect of scaring the living daylights out of me. Did I really want to cross someone like that?! What was he secretly plotting for me?
• Twisted sense of reality. All of these reasons melted together at the time to make me one confused mess. I somehow was convinced that I couldn't survive on my own, and that no one else would want me anyways. I even thought that financially I would suffer. This is laughable because my abuser, in the five years we were together, probably worked for a total of about 6 months. For $7-9/hour. And then he bought a BMW with his student loan money when we didn't even have money for groceries. It somehow took a long time for me to realize that he was actually nothing more than an extra mouth to feed. An extra, demanding, controlling, manipulative, abusive mouth. Financially I would be better off without him. And that was the beginning of the end. When I realized that my life would actually be easier without him than with him in it. It even surprises me that the real beginning of the end started with that BMW purchase. It's odd the things that will trigger us into waking up.

What was the final straw? This is a bit off topic, but I think it's fitting. The first big trigger, as I mentioned, was the purchase of the BMW. The final straw was finding out he had been cheating on me with girls at work. It's still a bit of a mystery to me why cheating upset me more than the abuse. But, when I found out, I thought to myself: this man beats, degrades, insults me, but then claims to love me. But to cheat on me, on top of all this, is more than I can bear. Not only does it mean to me that he doesn't love me, but it's a giant slap in the face. Here I am barely surviving because of the actions of this "man," and he doesn't even appreciate all that I go through for him. One last realization that allowed me to finally find the courage to leave was that he was not a real father. He was not a dad, a daddy, or a papi. He was a monster. My daughter would be better off without him. And she is.


All this being said there are lots of other reasons why people stay in abusive relationships. Here is a small sampling of a few other reasons that come to mind:

• Financial dependance on the abuser. If the victim does not have the means to make a living without the abuser this can be a huge barrier to leaving.
• No place to go. If the victim is living in the abuser's home he or she may have no place to go after leaving the abusive home. Choosing between homelessness and abuse can be very difficult.
• Love. The victim may still be in love with the abuser, and may think that they can change them. They may long for the days when things were picture perfect. There may be a constant sense of "if I just do X, Y, or Z, he/she will be happy, and things will be good again." The problem is that when you fix one problem the abuser will invariably find something else to harp on. The abuser will probably also shower the victim with apologies, gifts, and/or promises that it will "never happen again." If you're like me, you don't always realize that there are some people out there that are just plain mean liars. You may like to believe in the good in people. The problem with this line of thinking is that some people are just NOT good people. Abusers do what they can to not lose control of you, and that includes lying about their intentions.
• Facing family and friends. The victim may feel that people will criticize them or make fun of them for having "let themselves" get abused - you know, the whole "why didn't you just leave" line of questioning. Chances are the victim is already being way too hard on him- or herself. Hearing these kinds of comments/questions from friends or family just adds insult to injury.
• Religious/cultural beliefs. Religion can be a powerful influence. Some abusers will even use their victim's religion against them by telling them that their "disobedience" goes against the teachings of the Bible, the Qur'an, the Torah, or other religious scripture and writings. Many cultures still frown upon divorce, even in cases of extreme abuse.
• Victim blaming. Unfortunately, our society places a lot of blame on the victim. One glaring example of this is "slut shaming" in cases of sexual assault. "Well, she was wearing a mini skirt." "She was asking for it by the way she was dressed." "I could tell she wanted it because she was wearing a low cut shirt." These messages may be communicated to women directly or indirectly. There are very subtle societal norms that tell women that they are supposed to be a certain way. One way they are supposed to be is obedient to their husband. Thanks to these types of messages they may feel like it's their fault that the relationship has failed. They may feel that they failed as a partner.
• Compassion. The victim, most likely, is very compassionate by nature. He or she may think that the abuser deserves compassion (and, hence, another chance... and another chance...and another chance...) because of a difficult past. While the abuser may deserve compassion on some level, having a difficult past should not be a free pass to abuse someone else.

This list could go on forever... but let me leave you with this:

 The question should not be "why does she stay?" 

                      ...but, instead, "why does he abuse her?"