Surviving the courtroom

One of the most common questions I get asked is what to do and how to act in court proceedings. Many women are terrified to testify against their abuser, and it can be traumatic to have to relive past events. However, pressing charges and testifying gives you the chance to get your voice back, to stand up for yourself, to feel empowered, and to get justice. A lot of women say that they don't want to "put their ex in jail," or "hurt him by sending him to jail." The fact is that they wouldn't be in this position if they hadn't done horrible things to hurt you. None of the abuse is your fault, and they deserve to be punished for their actions.

There are many types of court proceedings that you may be facing. Perhaps you are petitioning to get an order of protection or restraining order. You may be subpoenaed to testify in a criminal trial. If you were married you may have to go through divorce proceedings, and if you have children you may need to go to family court. While you are testifying about different things in each of these types of hearings, the advice I would give remains the same.

I have compiled a list of tips that I have developed over the years. Between divorce, order of protection, visitation, and criminal proceedings I went to court over 30 times. I have since gotten a job where I was required to take a mini courtroom demeanor class, and have since testified in several criminal trials unrelated to my own case as an "expert" witness.

It may help to print out the list and highlight the points you think are most applicable to your situation. Or take points from my list and compile your own new list. Maybe even put some of the tips into your journal or a notebook that you can take with you to court. Review the list while you are waiting to be called to testify. Arrive early to court, but also be expected to wait for quite some time before testifying. At times several hearings are scheduled for the same time, and the judge calls each case as he/she sees fit. You may be the first called, or you may have to wait several hours. Try your best to remain calm as you wait - read your list, bring a book, doodle in a notebook, write a journal entry, anything you can to distract yourself until you are called.

• Prepare with your lawyer/the prosecutor. Make sure to go over what will be asked on the stand. The prosecutor or your attorney may already have a list of questions prepared. Practice your answers with them. If you do not have an attorney contact a victim's advocate. They can help you prepare your own statement, and may know typical questions that are asked in your area. You may be afraid that the defense will bring up something from your past that you are not proud of or do not want to talk about. Pause before answering any questions to give your lawyer/the prosecutor time to object. There are many things that cannot be asked in court, and the judge may ask the lawyer to move on to a different line of questioning. Be honest with your lawyer ahead of time about your past. They don't want any surprises on the stand either. If you tell them about your past they will be able to prepare in case the defense does bring the past up. If your lawyer is not objecting to the question they may have a tactical reason: badgering on the stand can work in your favor if you remain calm because it makes the defense attorney look like a jerk. If you feel really uncomfortable about a question and your lawyer has not objected you can turn to the judge and ask if you have to answer that particular question. If you are forced to answer the question try not to get mad, upset, or frustrated with the defense attorney. Remain calm and answer truthfully. Do not volunteer any additional information, and if possible, answer with a simple yes or no.
• Prepare on your own. If you have never told your story out loud before it may be a shock when it comes out in court. To avoid surprises and to condition yourself to not react heavily write down your story at home. Read it out loud and record yourself. Listen to the recording several times (but at your own pace, don't rush it if you feel triggered). You do not want to get too emotional on the stand as this may be seen as a sign of weakness or instability.
• Bring an advocate. Before you are called to testify make an appointment with a domestic violence advocate. They may be available through a local shelter or through the courthouse. They can walk you through the entire process, and will be able to give you specific advice that applies to the county/state/country you live in. Ask them questions, find out what to expect in court. An advocate and your attorney can also help you develop a plan for what to do in court if you get rattled or triggered. Do not be afraid to ask the judge for a recess if you need one.  
• Prepare your evidence/witnesses. In many cases we do not have evidence aside from our own word, but if you do have evidence be sure to give it to the prosecutor or your attorney ahead of time. Some of the more common evidence in domestic violence proceedings include photos of injuries, photos of destroyed property, medical records, and printed out emails/texts/social media messages showing threats, confessions, or harassment. If you kept a journal detailing the abuse that is also good evidence. If you did not keep a journal try to make a list of all the most significant abuse events and give it to your lawyer. If you cannot remember exact dates general descriptions will do (for example "summer of 2013" or "late 2014"). No one expects you to remember all the different dates, particularly if the abuse happened over a period of months or years. Giving your lawyer this list will help them formulate the right questions, and will give you some control over the proceedings. Make sure to keep copies of everything you hand over as evidence as it will not be returned to you. If you have any witnesses that would be willing to testify on your behalf, tell your lawyer so he/she can send them a subpoena. Expert witnesses are always a good idea as well - if you have a therapist or your child(ren) has/have a therapist they can give very valuable testimony in your support. Police officers and marital counselors used during the relationship are also excellent expert witnesses.
• Bring what you'll need on the stand. If you feel that you may cry on the stand bring some Kleenex. If your mouth gets dry when you're nervous or when you talk a lot ask if you can have water on the stand. Sip whenever needed. You can even use the water as an excuse to organize your thoughts. Bring an object to keep you grounded. This may be a small stone, a piece of jewelry, or some other small object that you can keep in your hand while you testify. Practice grounding techniques at home, and choose the technique that works best for you. Some ideas for grounding: rub the grounding object you brought with you. Take deep breaths. Focus on something harmless in the courtroom: look at its color, its shape, what it's made out of. Think of the small details about that object to bring your anxiety level down. Wiggle your toes, readjust yourself in your seat. Sometimes movement helps us to ground. Feel your feet on the floor, feel that you are connected to the earth and your chair. Following is a link to a page about grounding. Not all of these techniques are practical in the courtroom, but some of them may significantly help you: http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/mobile/flashbacks.htm
• How to dress. While I don't normally like telling someone what they should or shouldn't wear, this can be very important in court. You want to look nice and presentable, humble, and put together. Wear simple business or casual business attire with muted colors and keep your hair back where you won't be tempted to play with it. A neat, simple hairdo is best. You don't want to wear anything that will distract from what you have to say. Do not wear flashy jewelry or heavy makeup. Make sure that the clothing you plan to wear is comfortable and that it breathes. You may sweat quite a bit in court, or it may be very cold - bring layers. Wear comfortable, sensible shoes.
• Calm yourself during the initial questioning. The first few questions you will be asked on the stand will be very easy questions, such as "what is your name," "where do you work," and how you know the defendant/respondent. These will be simple questions that will not require much thought. The prosecutor or victim's attorney always questions you before the defense does, which can be comforting. Use this time to get oriented to the courtroom, to get as comfortable as possible in the witness box, and to calm down as much as possible.
• Ask for a sheriff's escort. If you are afraid you will encounter your ex outside the courtroom before or after the proceedings you may call the courthouse ahead of time and ask for a sheriff's escort to and from your car. 
• Learn about the layout of the courtroom. You may be confused about the layout of the courtroom if you have never been in one before. Each courtroom is a little different, so if you have the chance, go to the courthouse and check out the courtroom ahead of time so that you know where everything is. Here are some general descriptions about the different items in the courtroom: http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/criminal-courtroom-layout.html
• Speaking on the stand. There are little things you can do to show that you are credible, stable, and honest. The following is a list of the most common advice I have heard about testifying:
• Make eye contact with whoever is asking the questions: the judge, the prosecutor/your laywer, the defense attorney. If looking at any of them directly is too hard, try to look at one of their ears. It will appear that you are looking at them, but you will not feel intimidated by their gaze.
• Do not make anything up. If you do not know something it is perfectly acceptable to say "I don't know." If you can't remember something say "I don't recall." Don't let anyone bully you into coming up with a date or a detail that you just don't know or remember. If the defense attorney is trying to confuse you or trip you up ask them to repeat or clarify their question. If they are twisting several different questions into one you may ask them to simplify the question. Never answer a question that you don't understand or that confuses you. Do not let anyone bully you into answering such questions. 
• Posture. Try to sit up as straight as possible, and lean slightly forward. This will make you look open and honest. Keep your hands clasped in your lap so that you remember not to fidget. People appear to be dishonest when they are fidgeting, even though they may just be fidgeting because they are nervous or anxious.
• Concise answers. If a question can be answered with a simple yes or no, answer it with a yes or no. The defense may pause to try to get you to keep talking. Often when we are uncomfortable we try to fill the silence and defense attorneys know this. It is a tactic to rattle you. Do not volunteer any more information than you are asked for. 
• Be courteous. You do not want to show any apprehension towards the defense. Be nice and courteous to everyone you encounter in court so that you will not appear to be bitter. The defense attorney may seem to be overly nice to you. This is just a tactic to get you comfortable so you'll let your guard down. Never ever trust a defense attorney. You want to make sure you keep your emotions and manners in control because often times the defendant (your ex) will lose control in court (it is ok to look fearful or to cry a little, but try to maintain your composure as best as you can). The more you can maintain your calm, the better it will be for you. Do not get angry or frustrated with the defense attorney. Their job is to try to trip you up and rattle you - do not take it personally. Again, the calmer you are, the less ammunition you give them. Sometimes when a defense attorney realizes that you cannot be rattled or upset they will give up and stop questioning you (this happened with me). Getting upset with the defense only encourages them to badger you more. Remember they are trying to show that you are unstable and unreasonable, and that you are lying about the defendant's behavior. You know the truth, you are telling the truth. If you stay calm they cannot trip you up because you're not having to remember lies like the defendant has to. When the defense begins to harp on the details or finds any tiny inconsistencies in your story (you said his shirt was black, but now you are saying it was blue) it is because they are desperate and know that they have nothing else left to try. They are grasping at straws. If they pick on you in this manner take comfort in knowing that the defense is failing. The more a lawyer badgers you the more sympathetic the judge and jury will be to your case. The defense will want to avoid looking like a jerk in court. They may realize that you're not backing down and stop the badgering.
• Watch your face. I have little to no control over my facial expressions so this one has always been particularly difficult for me. Practice your best poker face ahead of time in front of a mirror. Do not roll your eyes, do not show that you are frustrated, flustered, angry, or bitter. If you can videotape yourself answering your lawyer's questions or telling your story it can show little mannerisms you have that you weren't aware of before, and you can now correct them before court.
• Pause to keep your cool. I think this is one of the most important pieces of advice about testifying. You are nervous, you are upset, you are scared. Take a pause and a deep breath before you answer every question. This has two effects: it gives your attorney and/or the judge time to object to the question, and it helps to keep you calm and to gather your thoughts. Speak slowly, clearly, and loud enough for people in the back of the courtroom to hear you. Never answer questions with "mmhmm." You will be asked to repeat with a "yes" or "no."

Most of all just be yourself, tell the truth, and remember you are not the one on trial!

If you have any questions, please feel free to post them here. Best of luck!

Self-care is vital for recovery

Self care. For those of us who have been in abusive relationships this can be one of the hardest things to do, but is also one of the most necessary.

We are usually the type of people that give, give, give, and pay little to no attention to ourselves. We're always running around making sure everyone else is ok, but inside we're stressed out, anxious, depressed, and worried.

We've been abused, used, tossed aside, belittled, berated, and insulted. We have been taught that our needs are not important. We have been forbidden from doing anything on our own without the permission of our abusers. They fight against us practicing self care because they know it is a threat to them. When we get healthy we can see through their lies and manipulation, and take our lives back.

Self care shouldn't stop when we leave the abusive relationship, though. It is a lifelong habit we must all develop in order to stay happy and healthy. We should practice at least a little bit of self care every day, even if it's only for 5 minutes. Research suggests that in order to make something a habit it must be practiced for at least 21 days. Give yourself the challenge to practice self care for at least 5 minutes every day for 21 days.

To get you started here are some of my favorite self care practices:

• Yoga. I cannot say enough good things about yoga. It has helped to calm my mind, stop racing thoughts, relax, gain confidence, and feel better about myself. There are many different kinds to choose from, but the type I love the most is restorative yoga. Very easy poses are held for approximately 5 minutes each. Most of the poses are done lying down. Some teachers will spray essential oils, have the class held by candlelight, play Tibetan singing bowls, gongs, or relaxing music. I always come out of a restorative yoga class feeling completely refreshed and relaxed. If you can't afford to go to a yoga studio try some of the videos online. This one is my favorite: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGLvtWYcuuE  
• Deep breathing. It is very common for us to hold our breath, take shallow breaths, or otherwise restrict breathing. This can contribute to our already building fatigue. Yogic breathing (pranayama in Sanskrit) is very helpful, as are other types of deep breathing. Guided meditation can be helpful to teach yourself to breathe properly again, and being aware of the breath throughout the day you can catch yourself restricting your breath and move to correct the problem. Here are a few videos to get you started: https://www.doyogawithme.com/yoga_breathing 
• Meditation and/or prayer. These techniques both help to calm the mind and spirit, can bring down the heart rate and stress hormone levels, and can boost confidence and hope for the future. You may feel that you don't have enough time to practice meditation, but even 5 minutes can boost your spirits and calm your mind. Set your alarm clock for 5 minutes earlier than you normally get up, and sit in silent meditation in a quiet room. Starting your day with meditation and/or prayer can be a great way to start your day off on a positive note. If you can, work yourself up to 20 minutes per day. You do not have to be religious to practice meditation, and people of any established religion can practice meditation. Create a routine that best fits your spiritual needs. Here are some ideas for making meditation fun: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/8-ways-to-make-meditation-easy-and-fun/. If you need a little help getting into the meditative state here is a video with a guided meditation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jyy0ra2WcQQ. There are also free apps with meditation sounds and guided meditation to help you get started. Sometimes it helps to have some relaxing background music or soothing sounds. One of my favorite combinations is rain with windchimes and Buddhist monks chanting (there is a free app called "Relax Melodies" that I love to use). Here is one video to get you started with soothing background music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrx1vyvtRLY.

•  Exercise. This cannot be stressed enough. Exercise releases endorphins, helps keep us in shape and healthy, and boosts confidence and self-esteem. If you're like me and have chronic pain exercise can be a big challenge. Find a type of exercise or exercises that does not increase your pain level. For me walking normally does not bother my joints or muscles. If you have been sedentary for a long period of time, though, start very small. Doing too much too fast will lead to burn out, and possibly injury. Swimming is another low-impact soothing exercise, with almost a meditation-like quality. Dancing is a fun way to meet new people, get in shape, and just have fun. I find that if I am doing an activity that I don't think of as exercise, but it actually is exercise, that I'm more likely to keep at it. Here are some tips about exercise for sufferers of chronic pain: http://www.prevention.com/fitness/fitness-tips/best-workouts-chronic-pain-and-fibromyalgia. See what combination of exercises works best for you, but most of all, make sure you are doing something you enjoy and can have fun doing.
• Hobbies. Many of us have not been allowed to have a hobby for years, or have let it fall to the wayside. Once you are free you can have whatever hobby you wish without fear of punishment or insults. For example, I learned how to make greeting cards. I get pleasure out of sending friends and family a nice homemade card, and my mind is distracted while working on them. I even eventually opened my own Etsy store to sell my handicrafts. It's an amazing feeling to get credit or recognition (or money) for something you made with your own hands. Maybe arts and crafts aren't for you. What do you enjoy? Do you play an instrument? A sport? Do you enjoy cooking? Reading? Hiking? Camping? If you don't feel you have the energy yet to pick up a hobby, something as simple as coloring can be cheap, enjoyable, distracting, and calming. There are some beautiful adult coloring books that have recently been released as more and more people discover the benefits of coloring. There are also many free coloring pages on-line, or you can pick up a coloring book at your local dollar store. You can find many beautiful Zen coloring pages on this site: http://www.coloring-pages-adults.com/coloring-zen/.

 Some other ideas for self care:

• Eating healthy and staying hydrated.
• Getting together with friends or family or joining a support group (if you wish to join an on-line support group please check out the Facebook group I co-founded called "domestic abuse recovery").
• Using essential oils.
• Baths and pampering (manicure, facial, pedicure, getting your hair done, etc).
• Gardening.
• Journaling your feelings. Art journaling. Writing.
• Helping others or volunteering.
• Pets.
• Getting out into nature.

A few resources with more ideas for self care:

• 45 simple self care ideas for a healthy mind, body, and soul: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/45-simple-self-care-practices-for-a-healthy-mind-body-and-soul/
• Self care starter kit: http://socialwork.buffalo.edu/resources/self-care-starter-kit.html
• 25 science-backed ways to change your life by taking care of yourself: http://greatist.com/happiness/ways-to-practice-self-care
• 25 self care strategies for fall: http://blogs.psychcentral.com/weightless/2013/10/25-self-care-strategies-for-fall/

 

25 Reasons I "Love" My Ex

While discussing some things in my on-line domestic abuse recovery group, I remembered this little piece that I wrote a few years ago. It was in response to a lawmaker, Representative Dan Pridemore of Wisconsin, who had made a statement about women who were victims of domestic violence. Mr. Pridemore took it upon himself to announce to the world that he was against divorce, even in cases of domestic abuse. He said that instead of leaving an abusive situation, women should try to remember the things they love about their husbands.“If they can re-find those reasons and get back to why they got married in the first place it might help."

(http://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2012/03/23/wisconsin-lawmaker-you-are-being-beaten-just-remember-things-you-love-about-your/)

After thinking about this for a very brief time I realized just how mad that statement made me. How dare he declare that women should stay with their abusive partners, just because HE doesn't think abuse and violence are not good reasons to get a divorce! So, I began to think about my own abusive relationship, which I had already left by then (*gasp* I had even already gotten a divorce). Had I made an enormous mistake in divorcing the monster that almost killed me? Was it somehow my fault that I didn't appreciate the good things he did every once in awhile between beatings? If I had just loved him more would he have treated me well instead of abusing my daughter and my pets? I began to write a list of all the things I loved about him. I came up with 25 reasons. Please feel free to share.

***Trigger warning for graphic content.***
****Disclaimer: these are not actual reasons I love my ex. I do not love my ex. I do not miss my ex. This is pure sarcasm in response to Representative Know-it-all's statement.****

1. I love the way he helped me clean up the blood on the carpeting after he broke my nose. That was so sweet of him. He didn't have to do that, but he did!

2. I love the way he sat with me at the hospital after putting me in a coma. Very caring.

3. I love the way he would come to all my doctor's appointments with me to make sure I wouldn't have sex with the doctor. Very compassionate.

4.  I love the way he would yell at me for coming home 5 minutes late from class after helping one of my students. That really kept me on my toes, and taught me that I should always be punctual.

5. I love the way he would check my vagina when I'd come home from work to make sure I wasn't having sex with anyone there. He was really trying to protect our marriage.

6. I love the way he beat me up whenever I talked to another man about anything. It's very protective to want to keep me to himself. He must have really loved me.

7. I love the way he doused my daughter with cold water whenever she'd have a diaper accident at the age of 2. He really showed her who's boss!

8. I love the way he forbid me to have friends. He kept me safe from those who may potentially do bad things to me.

9. I love the way he put my daughter's head through the bathroom wall just because she was crying. It's always good to have a quiet house. Children are to be seen and not heard. Also, I am now an expert in repairing drywall. Thank you so much.

10. I love the way he refused to work. That taught me to work extra hard and really strive to provide everything for the family. He made me a super hard worker.

11. I love the way he got me kicked out of medical school. It really taught me to be humble. I should never be better than my husband in anything for any reason.

12. I love the way he caused my daughter to have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). It keeps me on my toes to this very day. I have had to learn extreme patience, and my daughter has learned that hitting is a good way to resolve things. Extra special thanks for this one!

13. I love him for letting my dog out without a leash so she could get run over by a car. That taught my daughter that any time something is bothering you, it's okay to kill it. There are to be no nuisance animals in the house.

14. I love him for beating or killing every animal we ever owned. This includes two dogs, two cats, and a chameleon. You sure showed those animals who's in charge! Man shall have control over all beasts. Thank you for being so Biblical.

15. I love him for cheating on me the entire time we were married. I really appreciate this one, because it taught me a good lesson: double standards are acceptable, and the man is the king of his domain.

16. I love him for raping me on a regular basis. This taught me that a woman should always submit to her husband. Again, nice job being Biblical!

17. I love him for stripping me of my sexuality and my self esteem. This taught me to be resilient.

18. I love him for letting the dogs do their business all over the house, and then leaving it for me to clean up after a long day at work. He had so much to do during the day what with watching TV, playing videogames, and working out. It taught me a good lesson that I should work my butt off, come home, and clean the entire house by myself, without any help whatsoever. My house is now super clean thanks to him.

19. I love him for choking me out to the point of losing consciousness. You might be asking yourself why I would be thankful for that? I learned the value of oxygen. I hadn't been appreciating oxygen as much as I should have, but I'll never do THAT again!

20. I love him for breaking my finger. Who needs their pinky anyways? It's kind of a useless finger.

21. I love him for not letting me get any exercise. Gaining weight is always a good thing, this way men won't look at you anymore. That is a good way to keep the marriage solid.

22. I love him for causing me to get fibromyalgia. Living with daily pain builds character.

23. I love him for ruining by perfect credit. It's really shown me the value of a dollar, and how to dig yourself out of debt with no help.

24. I love him for destroying my beautiful, immaculate house. There wasn't a spot anywhere in it when I met him, but now all the door jambs, doors, walls, and carpet are destroyed, not to mention several appliances. He showed me! Standing up to a man is not okay, no matter what the circumstances. It's my fault that he destroyed my house. This taught me to keep my mouth shut so as not to offend the man.

25. I love him for the way he hasn't shown any love or compassion to his own flesh and blood. Who needs a father anyways?

------

Thank you for taking the time to read this. It is just the tip of the iceberg, but it was good to vent this all out. Writing really does heal.