Rape victims, abortion shaming, and perpetuating the violence

As a survivor of domestic violence, sexual assault, sexual abuse, and reproductive coercion I find it offensive that anyone would force a sexual assault victim to carry a pregnancy to term. Taking away a woman's bodily autonomy when she has already been victimized in one of the worst ways is an extreme form of physical and emotional abuse. To afford more respect and rights to a bundle of cells that resulted from a sexual assault than to the sexual assault victim herself is an insult and an affront to all women. To further shame women who choose to terminate their pregnancies just perpetuates the violence. Being forced to carry the product of your rape for 9 months can be an excruciatingly difficult and traumatic experience. The pregnancy is a constant reminder of a traumatic event that sometimes you wish you could just stop thinking about. No one should choose a trauma survivor's path for them. The path must be up to them, the choices must belong to them. The survivor has already had so much taken away from them. Their life is forever altered. I just cannot comprehend why anyone would want to continue to take, and to shame, and to blame, and to force.

A favorite statement from "pro-life" individuals is that they "know someone" who was raped, who carried their pregnancy to term, and who now love their child. Of course this happens, and of course a woman should be able to choose to carry the pregnancy to term. But she should also have the choice to terminate the pregnancy if it would be detrimental for her to move forward with it. "Pro-life." The people who scream and carry on about the evils of abortion and the importance of life oftentimes fail to consider the very real pain that a pregnant rape survivor faces. "Pro-life" only applies when you're an embryo or fetus. Once you're born your rights are taken away. If you are a woman you lose control of your own body, and the right to do with it what you wish. The victimization and the re-victimization must stop. The spreading of false science and propaganda to sway people's decisions about their own health care must stop. The violence against women needs to stop. 

The religious right claims to value all lives, but what they really mean is that they value their attempts to control, demean, demoralize, shame, and blame women. What strikes me as especially sad is when other women are complicit in the inherent misogyny that is a natural by-product of our patriarchal society. A community should stand together to support victims of sexual assault, not blame them for being victims, not afford more rights to the perpetrator or to the product of the sexual assault than to the victim, not perpetuate the violent act. According to the NIJ and the CDC 1 in 6 women will be the victim of a sexual assault or an attempted sexual assault. Every one of us either is a sexual assault/attempted sexual assault survivor or knows at least one sexual assault/attempted sexual assault survivor. Wouldn't it be great if we could all have an open dialog about sexual assault that doesn't involve blaming, shaming, or abusive behavior?

Surviving the courtroom

One of the most common questions I get asked is what to do and how to act in court proceedings. Many women are terrified to testify against their abuser, and it can be traumatic to have to relive past events. However, pressing charges and testifying gives you the chance to get your voice back, to stand up for yourself, to feel empowered, and to get justice. A lot of women say that they don't want to "put their ex in jail," or "hurt him by sending him to jail." The fact is that they wouldn't be in this position if they hadn't done horrible things to hurt you. None of the abuse is your fault, and they deserve to be punished for their actions.

There are many types of court proceedings that you may be facing. Perhaps you are petitioning to get an order of protection or restraining order. You may be subpoenaed to testify in a criminal trial. If you were married you may have to go through divorce proceedings, and if you have children you may need to go to family court. While you are testifying about different things in each of these types of hearings, the advice I would give remains the same.

I have compiled a list of tips that I have developed over the years. Between divorce, order of protection, visitation, and criminal proceedings I went to court over 30 times. I have since gotten a job where I was required to take a mini courtroom demeanor class, and have since testified in several criminal trials unrelated to my own case as an "expert" witness.

It may help to print out the list and highlight the points you think are most applicable to your situation. Or take points from my list and compile your own new list. Maybe even put some of the tips into your journal or a notebook that you can take with you to court. Review the list while you are waiting to be called to testify. Arrive early to court, but also be expected to wait for quite some time before testifying. At times several hearings are scheduled for the same time, and the judge calls each case as he/she sees fit. You may be the first called, or you may have to wait several hours. Try your best to remain calm as you wait - read your list, bring a book, doodle in a notebook, write a journal entry, anything you can to distract yourself until you are called.

• Prepare with your lawyer/the prosecutor. Make sure to go over what will be asked on the stand. The prosecutor or your attorney may already have a list of questions prepared. Practice your answers with them. If you do not have an attorney contact a victim's advocate. They can help you prepare your own statement, and may know typical questions that are asked in your area. You may be afraid that the defense will bring up something from your past that you are not proud of or do not want to talk about. Pause before answering any questions to give your lawyer/the prosecutor time to object. There are many things that cannot be asked in court, and the judge may ask the lawyer to move on to a different line of questioning. Be honest with your lawyer ahead of time about your past. They don't want any surprises on the stand either. If you tell them about your past they will be able to prepare in case the defense does bring the past up. If your lawyer is not objecting to the question they may have a tactical reason: badgering on the stand can work in your favor if you remain calm because it makes the defense attorney look like a jerk. If you feel really uncomfortable about a question and your lawyer has not objected you can turn to the judge and ask if you have to answer that particular question. If you are forced to answer the question try not to get mad, upset, or frustrated with the defense attorney. Remain calm and answer truthfully. Do not volunteer any additional information, and if possible, answer with a simple yes or no.
• Prepare on your own. If you have never told your story out loud before it may be a shock when it comes out in court. To avoid surprises and to condition yourself to not react heavily write down your story at home. Read it out loud and record yourself. Listen to the recording several times (but at your own pace, don't rush it if you feel triggered). You do not want to get too emotional on the stand as this may be seen as a sign of weakness or instability.
• Bring an advocate. Before you are called to testify make an appointment with a domestic violence advocate. They may be available through a local shelter or through the courthouse. They can walk you through the entire process, and will be able to give you specific advice that applies to the county/state/country you live in. Ask them questions, find out what to expect in court. An advocate and your attorney can also help you develop a plan for what to do in court if you get rattled or triggered. Do not be afraid to ask the judge for a recess if you need one.  
• Prepare your evidence/witnesses. In many cases we do not have evidence aside from our own word, but if you do have evidence be sure to give it to the prosecutor or your attorney ahead of time. Some of the more common evidence in domestic violence proceedings include photos of injuries, photos of destroyed property, medical records, and printed out emails/texts/social media messages showing threats, confessions, or harassment. If you kept a journal detailing the abuse that is also good evidence. If you did not keep a journal try to make a list of all the most significant abuse events and give it to your lawyer. If you cannot remember exact dates general descriptions will do (for example "summer of 2013" or "late 2014"). No one expects you to remember all the different dates, particularly if the abuse happened over a period of months or years. Giving your lawyer this list will help them formulate the right questions, and will give you some control over the proceedings. Make sure to keep copies of everything you hand over as evidence as it will not be returned to you. If you have any witnesses that would be willing to testify on your behalf, tell your lawyer so he/she can send them a subpoena. Expert witnesses are always a good idea as well - if you have a therapist or your child(ren) has/have a therapist they can give very valuable testimony in your support. Police officers and marital counselors used during the relationship are also excellent expert witnesses.
• Bring what you'll need on the stand. If you feel that you may cry on the stand bring some Kleenex. If your mouth gets dry when you're nervous or when you talk a lot ask if you can have water on the stand. Sip whenever needed. You can even use the water as an excuse to organize your thoughts. Bring an object to keep you grounded. This may be a small stone, a piece of jewelry, or some other small object that you can keep in your hand while you testify. Practice grounding techniques at home, and choose the technique that works best for you. Some ideas for grounding: rub the grounding object you brought with you. Take deep breaths. Focus on something harmless in the courtroom: look at its color, its shape, what it's made out of. Think of the small details about that object to bring your anxiety level down. Wiggle your toes, readjust yourself in your seat. Sometimes movement helps us to ground. Feel your feet on the floor, feel that you are connected to the earth and your chair. Following is a link to a page about grounding. Not all of these techniques are practical in the courtroom, but some of them may significantly help you: http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/mobile/flashbacks.htm
• How to dress. While I don't normally like telling someone what they should or shouldn't wear, this can be very important in court. You want to look nice and presentable, humble, and put together. Wear simple business or casual business attire with muted colors and keep your hair back where you won't be tempted to play with it. A neat, simple hairdo is best. You don't want to wear anything that will distract from what you have to say. Do not wear flashy jewelry or heavy makeup. Make sure that the clothing you plan to wear is comfortable and that it breathes. You may sweat quite a bit in court, or it may be very cold - bring layers. Wear comfortable, sensible shoes.
• Calm yourself during the initial questioning. The first few questions you will be asked on the stand will be very easy questions, such as "what is your name," "where do you work," and how you know the defendant/respondent. These will be simple questions that will not require much thought. The prosecutor or victim's attorney always questions you before the defense does, which can be comforting. Use this time to get oriented to the courtroom, to get as comfortable as possible in the witness box, and to calm down as much as possible.
• Ask for a sheriff's escort. If you are afraid you will encounter your ex outside the courtroom before or after the proceedings you may call the courthouse ahead of time and ask for a sheriff's escort to and from your car. 
• Learn about the layout of the courtroom. You may be confused about the layout of the courtroom if you have never been in one before. Each courtroom is a little different, so if you have the chance, go to the courthouse and check out the courtroom ahead of time so that you know where everything is. Here are some general descriptions about the different items in the courtroom: http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/criminal-courtroom-layout.html
• Speaking on the stand. There are little things you can do to show that you are credible, stable, and honest. The following is a list of the most common advice I have heard about testifying:
• Make eye contact with whoever is asking the questions: the judge, the prosecutor/your laywer, the defense attorney. If looking at any of them directly is too hard, try to look at one of their ears. It will appear that you are looking at them, but you will not feel intimidated by their gaze.
• Do not make anything up. If you do not know something it is perfectly acceptable to say "I don't know." If you can't remember something say "I don't recall." Don't let anyone bully you into coming up with a date or a detail that you just don't know or remember. If the defense attorney is trying to confuse you or trip you up ask them to repeat or clarify their question. If they are twisting several different questions into one you may ask them to simplify the question. Never answer a question that you don't understand or that confuses you. Do not let anyone bully you into answering such questions. 
• Posture. Try to sit up as straight as possible, and lean slightly forward. This will make you look open and honest. Keep your hands clasped in your lap so that you remember not to fidget. People appear to be dishonest when they are fidgeting, even though they may just be fidgeting because they are nervous or anxious.
• Concise answers. If a question can be answered with a simple yes or no, answer it with a yes or no. The defense may pause to try to get you to keep talking. Often when we are uncomfortable we try to fill the silence and defense attorneys know this. It is a tactic to rattle you. Do not volunteer any more information than you are asked for. 
• Be courteous. You do not want to show any apprehension towards the defense. Be nice and courteous to everyone you encounter in court so that you will not appear to be bitter. The defense attorney may seem to be overly nice to you. This is just a tactic to get you comfortable so you'll let your guard down. Never ever trust a defense attorney. You want to make sure you keep your emotions and manners in control because often times the defendant (your ex) will lose control in court (it is ok to look fearful or to cry a little, but try to maintain your composure as best as you can). The more you can maintain your calm, the better it will be for you. Do not get angry or frustrated with the defense attorney. Their job is to try to trip you up and rattle you - do not take it personally. Again, the calmer you are, the less ammunition you give them. Sometimes when a defense attorney realizes that you cannot be rattled or upset they will give up and stop questioning you (this happened with me). Getting upset with the defense only encourages them to badger you more. Remember they are trying to show that you are unstable and unreasonable, and that you are lying about the defendant's behavior. You know the truth, you are telling the truth. If you stay calm they cannot trip you up because you're not having to remember lies like the defendant has to. When the defense begins to harp on the details or finds any tiny inconsistencies in your story (you said his shirt was black, but now you are saying it was blue) it is because they are desperate and know that they have nothing else left to try. They are grasping at straws. If they pick on you in this manner take comfort in knowing that the defense is failing. The more a lawyer badgers you the more sympathetic the judge and jury will be to your case. The defense will want to avoid looking like a jerk in court. They may realize that you're not backing down and stop the badgering.
• Watch your face. I have little to no control over my facial expressions so this one has always been particularly difficult for me. Practice your best poker face ahead of time in front of a mirror. Do not roll your eyes, do not show that you are frustrated, flustered, angry, or bitter. If you can videotape yourself answering your lawyer's questions or telling your story it can show little mannerisms you have that you weren't aware of before, and you can now correct them before court.
• Pause to keep your cool. I think this is one of the most important pieces of advice about testifying. You are nervous, you are upset, you are scared. Take a pause and a deep breath before you answer every question. This has two effects: it gives your attorney and/or the judge time to object to the question, and it helps to keep you calm and to gather your thoughts. Speak slowly, clearly, and loud enough for people in the back of the courtroom to hear you. Never answer questions with "mmhmm." You will be asked to repeat with a "yes" or "no."

Most of all just be yourself, tell the truth, and remember you are not the one on trial!

If you have any questions, please feel free to post them here. Best of luck!

Self-care is vital for recovery

Self care. For those of us who have been in abusive relationships this can be one of the hardest things to do, but is also one of the most necessary.

We are usually the type of people that give, give, give, and pay little to no attention to ourselves. We're always running around making sure everyone else is ok, but inside we're stressed out, anxious, depressed, and worried.

We've been abused, used, tossed aside, belittled, berated, and insulted. We have been taught that our needs are not important. We have been forbidden from doing anything on our own without the permission of our abusers. They fight against us practicing self care because they know it is a threat to them. When we get healthy we can see through their lies and manipulation, and take our lives back.

Self care shouldn't stop when we leave the abusive relationship, though. It is a lifelong habit we must all develop in order to stay happy and healthy. We should practice at least a little bit of self care every day, even if it's only for 5 minutes. Research suggests that in order to make something a habit it must be practiced for at least 21 days. Give yourself the challenge to practice self care for at least 5 minutes every day for 21 days.

To get you started here are some of my favorite self care practices:

• Yoga. I cannot say enough good things about yoga. It has helped to calm my mind, stop racing thoughts, relax, gain confidence, and feel better about myself. There are many different kinds to choose from, but the type I love the most is restorative yoga. Very easy poses are held for approximately 5 minutes each. Most of the poses are done lying down. Some teachers will spray essential oils, have the class held by candlelight, play Tibetan singing bowls, gongs, or relaxing music. I always come out of a restorative yoga class feeling completely refreshed and relaxed. If you can't afford to go to a yoga studio try some of the videos online. This one is my favorite: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGLvtWYcuuE  
• Deep breathing. It is very common for us to hold our breath, take shallow breaths, or otherwise restrict breathing. This can contribute to our already building fatigue. Yogic breathing (pranayama in Sanskrit) is very helpful, as are other types of deep breathing. Guided meditation can be helpful to teach yourself to breathe properly again, and being aware of the breath throughout the day you can catch yourself restricting your breath and move to correct the problem. Here are a few videos to get you started: https://www.doyogawithme.com/yoga_breathing 
• Meditation and/or prayer. These techniques both help to calm the mind and spirit, can bring down the heart rate and stress hormone levels, and can boost confidence and hope for the future. You may feel that you don't have enough time to practice meditation, but even 5 minutes can boost your spirits and calm your mind. Set your alarm clock for 5 minutes earlier than you normally get up, and sit in silent meditation in a quiet room. Starting your day with meditation and/or prayer can be a great way to start your day off on a positive note. If you can, work yourself up to 20 minutes per day. You do not have to be religious to practice meditation, and people of any established religion can practice meditation. Create a routine that best fits your spiritual needs. Here are some ideas for making meditation fun: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/8-ways-to-make-meditation-easy-and-fun/. If you need a little help getting into the meditative state here is a video with a guided meditation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jyy0ra2WcQQ. There are also free apps with meditation sounds and guided meditation to help you get started. Sometimes it helps to have some relaxing background music or soothing sounds. One of my favorite combinations is rain with windchimes and Buddhist monks chanting (there is a free app called "Relax Melodies" that I love to use). Here is one video to get you started with soothing background music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrx1vyvtRLY.

•  Exercise. This cannot be stressed enough. Exercise releases endorphins, helps keep us in shape and healthy, and boosts confidence and self-esteem. If you're like me and have chronic pain exercise can be a big challenge. Find a type of exercise or exercises that does not increase your pain level. For me walking normally does not bother my joints or muscles. If you have been sedentary for a long period of time, though, start very small. Doing too much too fast will lead to burn out, and possibly injury. Swimming is another low-impact soothing exercise, with almost a meditation-like quality. Dancing is a fun way to meet new people, get in shape, and just have fun. I find that if I am doing an activity that I don't think of as exercise, but it actually is exercise, that I'm more likely to keep at it. Here are some tips about exercise for sufferers of chronic pain: http://www.prevention.com/fitness/fitness-tips/best-workouts-chronic-pain-and-fibromyalgia. See what combination of exercises works best for you, but most of all, make sure you are doing something you enjoy and can have fun doing.
• Hobbies. Many of us have not been allowed to have a hobby for years, or have let it fall to the wayside. Once you are free you can have whatever hobby you wish without fear of punishment or insults. For example, I learned how to make greeting cards. I get pleasure out of sending friends and family a nice homemade card, and my mind is distracted while working on them. I even eventually opened my own Etsy store to sell my handicrafts. It's an amazing feeling to get credit or recognition (or money) for something you made with your own hands. Maybe arts and crafts aren't for you. What do you enjoy? Do you play an instrument? A sport? Do you enjoy cooking? Reading? Hiking? Camping? If you don't feel you have the energy yet to pick up a hobby, something as simple as coloring can be cheap, enjoyable, distracting, and calming. There are some beautiful adult coloring books that have recently been released as more and more people discover the benefits of coloring. There are also many free coloring pages on-line, or you can pick up a coloring book at your local dollar store. You can find many beautiful Zen coloring pages on this site: http://www.coloring-pages-adults.com/coloring-zen/.

 Some other ideas for self care:

• Eating healthy and staying hydrated.
• Getting together with friends or family or joining a support group (if you wish to join an on-line support group please check out the Facebook group I co-founded called "domestic abuse recovery").
• Using essential oils.
• Baths and pampering (manicure, facial, pedicure, getting your hair done, etc).
• Gardening.
• Journaling your feelings. Art journaling. Writing.
• Helping others or volunteering.
• Pets.
• Getting out into nature.

A few resources with more ideas for self care:

• 45 simple self care ideas for a healthy mind, body, and soul: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/45-simple-self-care-practices-for-a-healthy-mind-body-and-soul/
• Self care starter kit: http://socialwork.buffalo.edu/resources/self-care-starter-kit.html
• 25 science-backed ways to change your life by taking care of yourself: http://greatist.com/happiness/ways-to-practice-self-care
• 25 self care strategies for fall: http://blogs.psychcentral.com/weightless/2013/10/25-self-care-strategies-for-fall/

 

25 Reasons I "Love" My Ex

While discussing some things in my on-line domestic abuse recovery group, I remembered this little piece that I wrote a few years ago. It was in response to a lawmaker, Representative Dan Pridemore of Wisconsin, who had made a statement about women who were victims of domestic violence. Mr. Pridemore took it upon himself to announce to the world that he was against divorce, even in cases of domestic abuse. He said that instead of leaving an abusive situation, women should try to remember the things they love about their husbands.“If they can re-find those reasons and get back to why they got married in the first place it might help."

(http://rhrealitycheck.org/article/2012/03/23/wisconsin-lawmaker-you-are-being-beaten-just-remember-things-you-love-about-your/)

After thinking about this for a very brief time I realized just how mad that statement made me. How dare he declare that women should stay with their abusive partners, just because HE doesn't think abuse and violence are not good reasons to get a divorce! So, I began to think about my own abusive relationship, which I had already left by then (*gasp* I had even already gotten a divorce). Had I made an enormous mistake in divorcing the monster that almost killed me? Was it somehow my fault that I didn't appreciate the good things he did every once in awhile between beatings? If I had just loved him more would he have treated me well instead of abusing my daughter and my pets? I began to write a list of all the things I loved about him. I came up with 25 reasons. Please feel free to share.

***Trigger warning for graphic content.***
****Disclaimer: these are not actual reasons I love my ex. I do not love my ex. I do not miss my ex. This is pure sarcasm in response to Representative Know-it-all's statement.****

1. I love the way he helped me clean up the blood on the carpeting after he broke my nose. That was so sweet of him. He didn't have to do that, but he did!

2. I love the way he sat with me at the hospital after putting me in a coma. Very caring.

3. I love the way he would come to all my doctor's appointments with me to make sure I wouldn't have sex with the doctor. Very compassionate.

4.  I love the way he would yell at me for coming home 5 minutes late from class after helping one of my students. That really kept me on my toes, and taught me that I should always be punctual.

5. I love the way he would check my vagina when I'd come home from work to make sure I wasn't having sex with anyone there. He was really trying to protect our marriage.

6. I love the way he beat me up whenever I talked to another man about anything. It's very protective to want to keep me to himself. He must have really loved me.

7. I love the way he doused my daughter with cold water whenever she'd have a diaper accident at the age of 2. He really showed her who's boss!

8. I love the way he forbid me to have friends. He kept me safe from those who may potentially do bad things to me.

9. I love the way he put my daughter's head through the bathroom wall just because she was crying. It's always good to have a quiet house. Children are to be seen and not heard. Also, I am now an expert in repairing drywall. Thank you so much.

10. I love the way he refused to work. That taught me to work extra hard and really strive to provide everything for the family. He made me a super hard worker.

11. I love the way he got me kicked out of medical school. It really taught me to be humble. I should never be better than my husband in anything for any reason.

12. I love the way he caused my daughter to have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). It keeps me on my toes to this very day. I have had to learn extreme patience, and my daughter has learned that hitting is a good way to resolve things. Extra special thanks for this one!

13. I love him for letting my dog out without a leash so she could get run over by a car. That taught my daughter that any time something is bothering you, it's okay to kill it. There are to be no nuisance animals in the house.

14. I love him for beating or killing every animal we ever owned. This includes two dogs, two cats, and a chameleon. You sure showed those animals who's in charge! Man shall have control over all beasts. Thank you for being so Biblical.

15. I love him for cheating on me the entire time we were married. I really appreciate this one, because it taught me a good lesson: double standards are acceptable, and the man is the king of his domain.

16. I love him for raping me on a regular basis. This taught me that a woman should always submit to her husband. Again, nice job being Biblical!

17. I love him for stripping me of my sexuality and my self esteem. This taught me to be resilient.

18. I love him for letting the dogs do their business all over the house, and then leaving it for me to clean up after a long day at work. He had so much to do during the day what with watching TV, playing videogames, and working out. It taught me a good lesson that I should work my butt off, come home, and clean the entire house by myself, without any help whatsoever. My house is now super clean thanks to him.

19. I love him for choking me out to the point of losing consciousness. You might be asking yourself why I would be thankful for that? I learned the value of oxygen. I hadn't been appreciating oxygen as much as I should have, but I'll never do THAT again!

20. I love him for breaking my finger. Who needs their pinky anyways? It's kind of a useless finger.

21. I love him for not letting me get any exercise. Gaining weight is always a good thing, this way men won't look at you anymore. That is a good way to keep the marriage solid.

22. I love him for causing me to get fibromyalgia. Living with daily pain builds character.

23. I love him for ruining by perfect credit. It's really shown me the value of a dollar, and how to dig yourself out of debt with no help.

24. I love him for destroying my beautiful, immaculate house. There wasn't a spot anywhere in it when I met him, but now all the door jambs, doors, walls, and carpet are destroyed, not to mention several appliances. He showed me! Standing up to a man is not okay, no matter what the circumstances. It's my fault that he destroyed my house. This taught me to keep my mouth shut so as not to offend the man.

25. I love him for the way he hasn't shown any love or compassion to his own flesh and blood. Who needs a father anyways?

------

Thank you for taking the time to read this. It is just the tip of the iceberg, but it was good to vent this all out. Writing really does heal.

Early warning signs of abuse

If abusers acted like abusers all the time they probably wouldn't be very successful at being abusive. If you went on a first date with someone and they slapped you in the face would you go out with them again? Probably not.

Neither would us abuse victims and survivors.

We wind up in these relationships because abusers are master manipulators, chameleons, great actors, and habitual liars. Many of them can be considered sociopaths - devoid of emotions, remorse, guilty feelings, and such. They are usually very charming people and can fool almost everyone around them. My abuser was able to fool lawyers, psychiatrists, many of my friends, even some of my family. He fooled doctors, paramedics, all manner of professional people, even those trained in domestic violence. They.are.just.that.good.

"But, he's such a nice guy." "I would have never suspected she was abusive." "But he seems so normal." These are just a few common phrases you might hear when you try to speak with someone about your abuser's behavior. From the outside it may seem you have a fantasy life - complete with a wonderful man or woman. People may even envy your life, not knowing what lies beneath. This just compounds the fact that you may already be doubting yourself - feeling that maybe YOU are the problem, YOU are the abusive one, YOU are the crazy one. When an abuser makes you feel as if you are the problem, it's called gaslighting (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/power-in-relationships/200905/are-you-being-gaslighted). He or she may even enlist friends and family to tell you that you are the one that needs help.

So, you see, abusers are very good at what they do. They are good at convincing almost everyone around them that they are wonderful, generous, caring and compassionate people. This makes it very hard for the victim to recognize the abuser for what they are until they are already so entrenched in the relationship that it is damn near impossible to leave.

So how can you recognize that you may be starting down a dangerous path? There are quite a few early warning signs of abuse that many people overlook. When each early warning sign is taken separately it may seem to be insignificant, a fluke, a quirk. You may feel like you don't want to confront the person because "it's not a big deal." Well, it could very well become a big deal.

Here is a list of some very common early warning signs that you may be in an abusive relationship. This list is in no way exhaustive.

*Disclaimer: I realize that men are victims of domestic violence as well. To simplify my writing I will keep to the pronoun "he," but, please know, that I am aware that women can be abusive, too. This list may apply to any type of relationship*

• He wants to spend every minute with you. Many people may find this flattering. He loves you soooo much that he wants to spend every waking moment with you. While a bit of this behavior is probably normal at the beginning of any relationship, if he starts to get upset when you want to go out with friends or have time to yourself that's a pretty good indication that he has a controlling personality.
• He is jealous. Again, this may seem flattering at first. When this happened to me I just thought he really, really loved and cared about me and was scared to lose me. Jealousy is TOXIC. There may be a tiny bit of jealousy in any relationship, but when it is used to shame, degrade, or make you feel guilty it's time to reevaluate. Does this person really love you, or are they just attempting to break you down and control you?
• He is possessive. This ties in closely with the last two points. He may try to cover up his possessiveness by telling you that he has never felt this way about anyone else before and he just can't help it. You are NOT an object. You are a person. You do not belong to anyone but yourself. If he is crushing your independent spirit chances are you are in an abusive relationship.
• He wants you to quit your job. He may disguise this by telling you that you just need a break, that you can live off of his income, that you deserve to not have to work. Maybe he is telling you to quit so you can go back to school and finish your degree. He'll be there for you, he says, while you get your education. He says he'll support you financially and in any other way he can. While this may be an innocent and generous gesture, some abusers may trick you into taking them up on their offer, only because they want you at home where they can keep an eye on you. They do not want you to be your own person, to be able to make a living on your own. The more financially dependent on them you become, the harder it will be to leave when you realize that you are in an abusive relationship.
• He blames all past failed relationships on his ex-partners. In a "normal, healthy" relationship both people are responsible for at least some of the tension or problems that may arise. If he cannot find any fault of his own in any of his past relationships he likely will believe that you are the problem and not him when future problems arise in your relationship. This can be extremely frustrating because eventually you will feel like you can't do anything right. While we all may harbor at least a little bit of resentment towards a past partner or two, he is bitter to an extreme degree. If he is constantly calling his ex's nasty names or telling seemingly wild stories about how "psycho" they are, watch out. You are probably next. My abuser convinced me that his ex-girlfriend (and mother of his first daughter) was completely crazy. He fabricated stories about her trying to commit suicide with all of her children in the house, told me that she would stalk him, that she hit him with a board from the bed frame, that she wouldn't allow him to see his daughter, and so on. It turns out that all of these things were actually false, but I had fallen for it hook, line, and sinker. Had I talked to her and other people familiar with their relationship sooner, I may have realized that he was the one that abused her, and not the other way around. Some of her "crazy" behavior could be explained by realizing that he did the same things to her and his other daughter as he had done to me and my daughter.
• He is willing to give up a relationship with his child(ren) to be with you. This one is somewhat self-explanatory. If he is willing to walk away from his children so that he can be with you, run! Especially if you are planning on having a family with you. Once your relationship is over he will leave you behind, along with the kids, and jump to the next relationship. A "real man" will do anything to be with his children, and that includes enduring any discomfort that may arise from having a new relationship and having to "deal" with his ex. If he is not paying child support or visiting with his children, that's also a big red flag. Do you really want to be with a man that doesn't even care about his own offspring? If he doesn't care about his own children, why would he care about you? This type of man likely only cares about himself and is very selfish. If he is constantly making up excuses to explain away why he doesn't see his children or pay child support, rely on your common sense. Yes, there are women that make it very difficult for the man to see his children. But, has he exhausted all avenues available to be able to see his children? "Having to deal with the crazy bitch" is not an excuse for blowing off his kids.
• He shows subtle signs of controlling behavior. He does not start the relationship by demanding you to do everything his way. It starts very gradually. If he senses that you are pulling away because of his controlling behavior he may pull back a bit until he can get you deeper into the relationship. He may drop hints about the way you dress ("that shirt is kind of low cut don't you think?"), about how you manage your own life or career, about your family. If a friend or family member tells you that they detect some controlling behavior in your partner, pay more attention. Is the friend or family member misinterpreting something or are they right? Give them the benefit of the doubt. After all, they are probably only telling you that because they care about you and don't want to see you get hurt.
• He calls/e-mails/texts constantly. Again, in the beginning the relationship is new and exciting. You will probably be contacting each other much more frequently early on than you will be later when the relationship is well established. Is he calling you in the middle of the night? Showing up at your job or when you're out with your friends? Does he get upset if he doesn't get a text back within a certain time period? These are all signs of controlling behavior. If you notice these signs, ask him to tone it down. If he gets upset by that, chances are he will become abusive later on.
• Nothing is ever his fault. This is similar to bad-talking his ex's, but more broad. Is everyone out to get him? Does he do something disrespectful and then come up with 80 excuses why he was right to act that way? Does he blame someone or something else for everything that goes wrong in his life? Beware. If this is the way he thinks eventually he will blame everything on you as well.
• He is self-centered/arrogant. Does conversation always seem to revolve around him? In the beginning you may want to know everything about him. Maybe he has some exciting stories to tell, and you may be fascinated by them. But do you notice that when you start to talk about yourself he always shifts the conversation back to his life and his problems? Is he a poor listener? This is a pretty good sign that he cares much more for himself than for anyone else, including you. If you notice him doing this gently confront him. If he gets extremely upset or completely denies acting that way, that's a bad sign.
• The way he treats you changes depending on who is around. An abuser wants to give the illusion that his relationship is very happy and successful. He most likely will not mistreat you when other people are present, unless they are people that share his "values"/attitudes, or he is very comfortable around that person. My abuser used to treat me like a queen in front of everyone else. Everyone thought I was in this great, ideal relationship. But, as soon as the people were out of the picture I would get yelled at for something I had supposedly done to hurt him. "Why were you looking at that guy like that?" "Why did you say that in front of them?" "Are you trying to embarrass me?"  The vast majority of the time I didn't even know what he was talking about. I had learned to walk through stores without looking at anyone, lest he think I was "checking someone out." If I needed something from a lower shelf I had learned to ask him because he didn't want me to bend over in front of anyone else. He may not have said anything at the grocery store where people could hear him, but as soon as we got in the car I got an earful. Or a punch in the head.
• He has misogynistic tendencies. Does he make subtle jokes about women's role in society? Does he have very strict guidelines as to what a woman should or shouldn't do? Does he make light jokes poking fun at women, and then apologize by saying he's just kidding? How does he treat his mother, sisters, aunts, grandmother? Many men are still stuck in past decades, or even centuries, as far as gender roles and sexuality are concerned. If he holds such stereotypical views of women he may feel entitled to act as your "owner." He may feel that he has a right to be abusive. While it may be very difficult to find a man that doesn't subscribe to any of these views, it is definitely worth a try to find one. There are a lot of good men out there that treat women with respect. You don't have to settle just because you can't seem to find one.
• He is full of contradiction and double standards. My abuser could do all manner of things that I wasn't "allowed" to do. He could talk to women at work, but I couldn't speak with other men. He could go out with friends, but I couldn't. If I did I was a "whore," a "slut," or "didn't care" about my family. If he has a different set of rules for himself as he does for you, then he has a giant sense of self-importance, and a general disregard for your needs. A healthy relationship is a balanced one, one where you can feel free to be yourself without worrying about being shamed for it.
• He abuses drugs and/or alcohol. While substance abuse does not CAUSE abuse, it can certainly make it worse. Many people act very differently while under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Be especially careful if he tries to pressure you into using these substances with him.
• He pressures you into having sex. You should never be forced to have sex. Early on abusers find subtler ways to get you to do things you don't want to do. "But, don't you love me?" "You can prove your feelings for me by having sex with me." "Am I not attractive enough for you?" "But, you had sex with your ex-boyfriend. Why don't you want to have sex with me?"  If you hear any of these catch phrases be sure to run far, far away. Once I was married to my abuser he would constantly demand sex. Most of the time I resisted, and he would tell me that I used to "whore" around with "all kinds of guys," but didn't want to have sex with my own husband. Not only was this a false statement, it was extremely degrading, hurtful, manipulative, and abusive. Your sexuality belongs to you, and only you. A truly caring man will never pressure you to do something that makes you uncomfortable.

So, after reading this list you may be questioning whether or not your partner is/was abusive. Everyone yells at times. Maybe sometimes you get mad and call your partner a nasty name. Most people get a little bit jealous sometimes. So how do you know when the behavior is "normal" versus when it is abuse?

If you look at this list and think your partner does all or almost all of these things, chances are it is abuse. If they do one or two things from the list very rarely, it most likely is not abuse. It is important to note the frequency and severity of these behaviors. Many men may have insecurities that cause them to have feelings of jealousy. However, there is a HUGE difference between feelings of jealousy and acting on that jealousy. If he asks you if you have feelings for another man, it may be that he is just insecure. But, if he starts following you, breaking into your phone and e-mail accounts, or forbids you from participating in some activity, that is abuse.

Another good sign that it is abuse is that every time you try to express your feelings, your frustration, your hurt, he denies that what he is doing is inappropriate. He will make excuses- "oh, I'm just stressed out. I'm sorry." "I've just been so tired lately. Please forgive me."  He may even decide to retaliate when you express your discomfort. For example, if you ask him not to do something, and he makes it a point to do it more often, that is abuse. If he makes you feel guilty in any way for expressing your dislike for the way he treats you - very bad sign.

Is he blaming you for the consequences of his behavior? My abuser would frequently hit me, yell at me, and call me names. As a result, my sexual desire was zero. He interpreted this to mean that I was cheating on him. "Well if you don't get it at home, you must get it from someone else." Instead of thinking "maybe I shouldn't hit her", he blamed the resulting lack of sexual desire on me. If he cannot recognize that his behavior is inappropriate, and treats you poorly for the consequences of his own actions, that is abuse.

If he does anything to undermine the quality of your life, it is abuse. My ex manage to have me kicked out of medical school, had me fired from a job, wrecked my home and my credit, damaged my relationships with friends and family. There was no reason for him to do any of these things other than to satisfy his own need to control and manipulate me.

He straight up denies what he did. In the beginning this will be very subtle. It may appear that he just has a poor memory. It will start with small things - like saying he didn't say X, Y, or Z. Later this problem gets bigger. For example, my abuser denied that he ever hit me, denied that he ever hit my daughter, denied that he ever forced me to have sex. If you get deep enough into a relationship with someone like this you may even start to question your own sense of reality. He seems SO convinced that he didn't do these things that you start to wonder if you've fabricated it all in your own mind.

He blames you for his behavior. "You made me do it." "Well, if you weren't such a bitch I wouldn't have to slap you in the face." "I yelled at you because you weren't listening to me." Again, in the beginning these behaviors are very subtle, but will build as the relationship grows.

And, the main way to know if you are in an abusive relationship is if the behavior follows a pattern. If he gets jealous once, probably not abusive. If he continues to get jealous on a constant basis when there is no reason for it - that is abuse. If he calls you a bitch one time, probably not abusive. If it continues even when you ask him to stop - that is abuse. Abusive relationships follow a cyclical pattern (http://nomoreviolenceagainstwomen.blogspot.com/2013/09/the-cycle-keeps-turning-until-it-doesnt.html). He may go for long stretches of time without exhibiting any abusive behavior. But, eventually, if he really is abusive, the behavior will come back. If you feel like you're on a roller coaster ride and never know what to expect - it's abuse.

If you think you are in an abusive relationship you may wish to form a safety plan and start planning your escape from the relationship. The National Hotline is an amazing resource that can help you to make all of these decisions. Please, seriously consider contacting them (1−800−799−SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224) or visiting their website (http://www.thehotline.org/).

The cycle keeps turning... until it doesn't anymore.

Who AM I? How did I wind up here? When did I turn into this person? I don't even recognize myself anymore! - These are just some of the thoughts going through my mind when I finally realized I needed to leave my abuser.

(I apologize in advance for this being so long, but so much just came pouring out, and I didn't want to stop it. It needed to be said).

I had become a shell of a person. I was alive but barely living. Being abused is a full-time job.

Living around someone so volatile, constantly walking on eggshells, evaluating every word that comes out of your mouth, every action you make, just to try to keep the peace is EXHAUSTING.

I knew fairly early on that something was wrong. There were little warning signs in the beginning. Or maybe they were big warning signs. He ditched me on our first date. Later he disappeared for a few days. Then we went on a beach trip together and he was making phone calls and refused to let me listen because he was "talking to his pastor." He was jealous. He was possessive. One week after we got married we had a blow out argument over something insignificant. So insignificant I can't even remember what it was. He told me we were over. And I, for better or worse, begged him to stay. I couldn't let a marriage fail after just ONE WEEK.

Things gradually got better again. And then they got worse. We "broke up". I was living in the US and he was in Ecuador. I would rarely hear from him, and when I did he was drunk. He told me that I broke his heart and that he was drinking and smoking and not eating because of me. I felt so guilty! I must have been some horrible person, I thought. It turned into a mess of arguing, making up, ignoring each other, and repeating. I finally decided to get a divorce. I was finished. My friends even had an intervention to tell me that he was toxic and I needed to stay away from him.

Somehow, some way, I wound up back in Ecuador (I had a non-profit group and was taking them there to do volunteer work). I could have avoided him. I could have stayed away. But somehow I got sucked back in. And things were amazing. Couldn't have been better. I was so damn happy.

Then...it happened. I was three days away from traveling back to the U.S. to go back to medical school and my Ph.D. program. He still didn't have his visa. We put a delay on applying for it because we had "broken up," remember? It all came to a head that day. ***trigger alert***

We was trying to convince me to stay in Ecuador and skip out on school. No way was I going to give up my entire future for anyone, let alone this "man" that I had had such a rocky relationship with. I told him that I would be going back, that I would be attending school that fall, and that he could just wait until he got his visa. After all, it would only be a few more months. "WHAT? YOU DON'T LOVE ME?! HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITHOUT ME FOR THAT LONG??" "It's not that big of a deal," I said. What's a few months when we have the rest of our lives together?

Something inside of him snapped. He grabbed me by the wrists (hard), and screamed at me. I don't remember now what he was saying but he wanted me to stay in Ecuador at all costs. I shouted back. I wasn't having it! He picked up a screwdriver and threatened me with it.

I was done. I was definitely going to get a divorce now. My mind was made up. This was IT! I ran out of the store where this happened, walked to a natural foods store and bought some valerian root tea to calm my nerves. I walked home, made the tea, and got in bed to take a nap (it was around 4pm on a Friday if I remember correctly).

What happened next is unbelievable. So unbelievable that I didn't even sort out what happened until three years later, crying and slumped over at the women's shelter when I finally did leave him.

I woke up. I opened my eyes and didn't recognize where I was. I got startled. I looked around. I heard an odd noise. I thought to myself "that's funny, that sounds like a ventilator." Then I realized I couldn't move my hands or feet. I was tied down! That's when it hit me - I'm in the hospital and I'm intubated. This tube is down my throat helping me breathe. How the hell did I get here??

I slipped back into unconsciousness and at some point I woke up again and saw my ex-husband standing over me crying. Big tears. I couldn't talk because I had a tube down my throat. He told me they didn't think I would ever wake up - and if I did I'd surely be a vegetable for the remainder of my (short) life. I was so confused yet I couldn't ask how I wound up in such a state. He left the room (visiting hours were very restricted), and I slipped in and out of consciousness for a couple more days. They left the tube in for two or three more days. The nurses would come in and stick a brush down my throat and force me to cough to try to keep it clean. I had a central line threaded into my subclavian artery. I had a urinary catheter. I was hooked up to IV's. And, of course, there was this tube down my throat. I had more an more intense pain as the coma wore off.

When they finally did take the tube out I could still barely talk. I had completely lost my voice. I was very weak. I was still confined to the hospital bed in this decrepit third world public hospital. I had worked in these hospitals for a few years. I knew that if you didn't buy your own IV tubing, needles, syringes, medications, stitches, that they would let you die. They didn't have most of their own supplies. In fact, I had been transported 45 minutes from the town where I had been living because they didn't even have a ventilator or working X-ray machine there. The paramedics had been squeezing air into my lungs for the 45 minute ambulance ride, keeping me alive.

One day, probably around four days into my ICU stay, a psychiatrist came into my room with an ICU doctor. I told them I was pretty sure I had broken ribs because I had horrible sharp pain in my side. I had broken ribs before and the feeling was all too familiar. I also had a nasty cough and thought I needed antibiotics, but they took me as a nut and ignored my requests. "You don't have a broken rib, how would you have broken your rib? You've been laying in this hospital bed for four days." Nevermind that the firefighter that saved my life punched me repeatedly in the chest to try to get my heart going. Yes. That's right. Cardiac arrest. THREE TIMES. I died in my home. I died in the ambulance. And, I died on the table at the ER.

Aside from the ICU doctor being incredibly rude the psychiatrist came to talk to me about "why [I] tried to kill [myself.]" "Huh???????!!!!" I asked. "What are you talking about?" The psychiatrist proceeded to tell me that my ex-husband had stated that I had tried to commit suicide. Again I said "huh????"

I was in medical school and doing well. I was on my way to getting my Ph.D. I had an awesome social life with wonderful friends. I had a non-profit organization that was doing well. I had never been happier, aside from the issue with my possessive husband.

"Oh, no," the doctor said. "This man saved your life." Apparently while I was in a coma he had somehow figured out how to withdraw money from my bank account and had been buying my medicines and IV tubing and diapers and catheters and blood tests and the tube that was down my throat for those first few days.

Honestly, I don't know what I thought to myself in that moment. It was total chaos in my mind. Total confusion. Why would I try to kill myself??? I kept thinking over and over and trying to remember the moments leading up to this coma. But, all I could remember was laying down for a nap.

I was told over and over that I had somehow overdosed myself on medication. I couldn't wrap my brain around anything they were telling me but I had no other explanation as to what happened to me. And my "husband" just saved my life! I was forever indebted to him. That divorce I was sure I was going to get - how could I do that now? Who just ups and leaves the person that saves their life, I thought. I can't do that!

As time went on, honestly, I began to accept that I may have tried to kill myself. But deep down I knew that I didn't. I just didn't know WHAT had happened.

And, what happened next is also pretty unbelievable and a source of my bitterness to this day. Hopefully, someday soon I can let it go, but it's still so fresh in my mind.

I called my medical school to tell them that I had been in a coma and that, as a result, I had missed my plane back to the states. I needed an extension, I needed more time to get back to school. Remarkably, they already knew about my coma. Someone had called them. "Who?" I asked. "Marco Enquito," they told me. "But, I don't know any 'Marco Enquito.'" Then it dawned on me - his name wasn't "Marco Enquito." It was "Marco," and he was calling from "Quito" (the capital of Ecuador).

He had already called and told them I had tried to commit suicide. What did they do? To make a long part of the story short - they forced me on medical leave. They told me that I needed to have a psychiatric evaluation before I could come back to school. I might be a danger to patients. A danger to patients? Me? I had never been a danger so ANYONE in my life.

I cried and cried but finally accepted my fate and their plan. I took that year off, and eventually took their little psych eval. I came up to Chicago and met with a panel of psychologists, psychiatrist, and honestly, I don't know who else they were. I was asked to bring a list of people that knew me that could vouch for me and my stability. They asked me a million questions about my childhood. They made me take tests with 600 questions, such as "do you like flowers?" They asked me about my relationship. "Oh, it's fabulous," I told them. Surely, if they knew the truth, they would mark me as cooky and have me kicked out of school. I lied through my teeth. My ex had already been arrested for domestic battery at this point, but I still lied. I tried to cover it all up.

They asked me what happened. I told them that I didn't know, I didn't remember. They were all very cordial and sent me on my way. The most interesting part of the process is when I was forced to wait in a little room while they interviewed my ex at length. He went in first. I will never know what he told them. What I do know is that they did not call any of my family or friends. No one could vouch for me except for him. Why would he vouch for me? He didn't want me in medical school. It threatened his manhood.

A few weeks later I got a letter from the psych eval people. They had decided that I was the nut. They told the medical school that I was a danger to any patients I might have contact with. Why? Because I was a manipulative deceptive liar. How's that? Because I "tried" to kill myself and then lied about it by saying I didn't remember doing it. Oh, really.

Their recommendation? One year of weekly therapy with a Ph.D. level psychologist specialized in DBT. Fine, I thought. I'll just do it, and I'll go back to school next year.

I started calling around and realized that this type of psychologist was very hard to find. They didn't even have one in Champaign, where I was living at the time. I had to drive 45 minutes to even find one with a Ph.D. and they didn't have training in DBT. I didn't have any money. I didn't have health insurance. I couldn't afford to go to therapy once a week for an hour and travel in order to do it. So, I gave up. I decided to read about DBT on my own, and try to gather references to defend myself the following year when I went back up for evaluation.

Guess what happened? "Oh, you didn't do the therapy, why not?" "Well, I couldn't find a qualified psychologist, and I couldn't afford it anyhow." Permission to go back to school: denied. I was to be let go from the medical school and the graduate program. My career, as I knew it, was over. I was crushed. I still am.

Yet, all through this, I still didn't realize what the actual truth was.

Fast forward three years - I've just kicked him out of the house. Because of fear I go to stay at a shelter for a couple of days. The counselor on duty spent hours talking to me. Talking me out of going back, talking me out of feeling guilty, making me realize that I made the right decision and just needed to be strong. I told her my whole story, including what I just wrote here.

What she said changed my life, saved my life. And then, the biggest realization I could have ever had: HE DID IT. He tried to kill me.

I'll never forget the exact words that the counselor said to me: "Did you ever consider that he may have done this to you?" Oh, my God. My mother had considered it. She tried to convince me of it. I didn't want to listen to her because I was in deep denial about my relationship. My husband would never do that to me. He loved me too much.

And, then I started thinking about it all. His repeated warnings about scopolamine, a South American version of roofies. "Never accept drinks from anyone," he'd say. He told all my American friends and volunteers. "Watch out for scopolamine! It's so easy to get! I know exactly where to get it! It's soooo easy!"

What exactly is scopolamine? It's a dangerous drug. It has, in the past, been used as a pre-anesthetic. Yes, it's that powerful. In tiny doses it's used in patches for motion sickness. It large doses it causes memory loss (remember how I couldn't remember a damn thing?), psychotic episodes and violent behavior (people later told me that I wasn't acting like myself for the 24 hours after I laid down for my nap ... and then slipped into the coma). High enough doses cause respiratory failure, coma, and... death. (For more about scopolamine see: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scopolamine)

I combed my brain for all memories from around the incident. I thought about everything people told me about how I had acted around that time, things I had done. That was it, I thought, he poisoned me.  But why poison me and then turn around and save my life? I have a couple of theories. The first is that he intended to kill me, but got caught in the act somehow, and then had to play the hero (after all, he WAS a firefighter, right?) The second is that he intended to discapacitate me, perhaps brainwash me (it's a common urban legend that scopolamine is a brain-washing drug), convince me not to go back to the U.S. in three days to attend medical school. Perhaps he just wanted to discapacitate me enough to make me miss my plane. And perhaps he miscalculated and gave me way too much of the drug. He had to backpedal and try to save me. And how convenient because it made him look like the hero AND bonus! it got me kicked out of medical school.

My life really began to spiral downward after all of this happened. The abuse waxed and waned. Slowly I turned into a completely different person. Just surviving. Survival mode. That's all I knew at that point. I never knew when the violence or the outbursts were coming. Learned helplessness.

So, what was the point of this whole story? There were a couple of points. First, I'll get to what I was thinking when I sat down to write this post. Then, I want to mention the cycle of violence which ties this whole story together.

When I realized that I had completely lost myself that's when I knew it was time to make a plan to leave. How did I know I had completely lost myself? I no longer had friends. Before I was a social butterfly. I no longer had contact with most of my family. Before we were much closer. Before I was going to be a doctor. Now, well, I wasn't. My life was torn to bits and pieces. My credit was in the toilet, my house had been destroyed, my fur baby had been hit by a car due to his negligence and killed. My health had deteriorated to the point where I was diagnosed with degenerative arthritis and fibromyalgia. I checked into the ER one night for excessive vomiting and he left me there, saying he was sick of me being sick. My sexuality was gone. I was raped several times per week. Shamed for not "wanting it." My daughter had become withdrawn and had been a victim of his rants and had even been hit by him. She was scared of her own "father." And the culmination of it all -- I started sleeping on the couch with a giant butcher knife under my pillow. In. my. own. house. I was so terrified that he would kill me in the middle of the night that I had to have the knife there. When he would fight with me in the kitchen I would fantasize about hitting him over the head with a frying pan. Not fantasizing in a good way - but fantasizing that maybe that would end all my pain. One day he attacked me in the living room. I grabbed the solid wooden pole that had been blocking the sliding glass door. I waved it at him, told him not to come any closer to me or I'd hit him. I banged the pole on the ground and the solid wood cracked in half. I had had enough. I went to the kitchen and threw some glasses in the sink and broken them. I dumped his precious protein powder down the garbage disposal. I was out of my freaking mind. I ran outside with my pole for protection, got into my car, and sat there to cool down. I realized this was no way to live. I had to end it, and I didn't want to end it by doing something that would land me in jail. I had to end it with a divorce and an order of protection. A few more weeks passed after that last incident. I was waiting for the right moment, still exhausted and too scared to leave. Then I found the picture. Him and some girl.

I marched into the living room where he was sitting, confronted him about it, and ordered him out of the house by the end of the night. Around 2am he loaded all his clothes into his car and drove off.

And that... was that.


The entire relationship was a horrifying, violent roller coaster. It's a miracle that I got out alive. Why do abusive relationships usually mirror this up and down ride of misery? The cycle of violence.

Everything starts out wonderfully. Slowly tension builds. He picks on you. Insults you. Calls you names, maybe. Picks fights. Tension builds for, usually, a long time. Then one day he snaps. Fists may rain down on you. Mean words. Violent outbursts. Sexual abuse. A slap in the face. After the violence episode he may act like he's sorry. Apologize profusely. Bring you flowers. Tell you he'll never do it again. Promise to get couseling/go to AA/go to church/change his ways. You may start to feel sorry for him. Well, maybe I can forgive you - he really seems sincere. Let's start over. And you do. And it starts all over again. Tension building. Explosion. Honeymoon. Tension building. Explosion. Honeymoon. Over and over. Until you just can't take it anymore, and finally decide it's not worth living that life.

Will he change? Does he really mean it? Is he actually sorry at that moment? Frankly, in my opinion, no. (http://www.mdjunction.com/forums/domestic-violence-discussions/general-support/2569460-your-abuser-will-never-change)

Does it happen? Once in a blue moon. But massive efforts and REAL remorse is needed on the part of the abuser. My abuser was a full blown sociopath. Three of my counselors, two of them specialized in domestic violence, agreed that he was a full blown sociopath. Did you know that sociopaths do not ever feel remorse? Did you know that they can pass polygraphs even when they're lying because they don't feel guilt over their actions? Sociopaths don't have the same types of feelings or emotions that a "regular" person has. They don't feel sorry for their victims - they only have the capacity to feel sorry for themselves. They are INCAPABLE of love. They manipulate their victims during the honeymoon phase, convincing them to change, when they KNOW they have no intention of following through. But as long as the victim falls for it they will keep doing it.

Two great articles about sociopaths:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201305/how-spot-sociopath
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201305/confessions-sociopath

Please take a look at these examples I found of the so-called "cycle of violence." Does this mirror your relationship with your abuser? Have you seen a friend or family member go through this cycle?

And this is what a healthy, balanced relationship looks like:

It took me a long time, but I finally realized I deserved more. And, I've found more. No one deserves to be treated badly.

Think about the situation you're in - if you saw a friend going through the same thing would you act with compassion?

Be more compassionate with yourself. You deserve it.

Types of abuse

Something I hear a lot is: "but your abuse was so much worse than mine." "My abuse wasn't a big deal compared to yours." I don't really like to think of any type of abuse as being worse or better than another. It's all abuse, and it all hurts. You can't compare abuse stories and classify one as better or worse than the other. Why? Because everyone is different. We all have different coping mechanisms, we all have different levels of tolerance for pain, whether physical or emotional. Abuse is encountered in different stages of our lives - maybe you experienced abuse in childhood while I experienced it while I was in my late 20's and early 30's. There are many different types of abuse and all of them affect each of us differently. Each victim experiences a different mixture of the different types of abuse. No two stories are equal. No one story is worse or better than any other story. So before you think to yourself that your abuse is "no big deal," remember my words, and take a look at some of the different types of abuse and how they can manifest themselves.

*Trigger alert* Some of the scenarios and examples listed here may be a trigger for those that have experienced abuse. Please proceed with caution.

If you are asking yourself whether you may be in an abusive relationship please read these lists of examples of the different types of abuse. If any of them are happening to you, you may be in an abusive relationship. You may want to consider contacting a local women's shelter, a mental health professional or physician, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224. If you feel that your abuser may be checking your phone or internet browser please find a safe telephone or a safe place to use a computer. Often when abusers find out that their victim is seeking help they escalate their behavior and the situation can become quite dangerous.
 
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The first, and perhaps the most obvious, category of abuse is physical abuse. I say most obvious because it's almost tangible. You may have cuts, bruises, broken bones, or scrapes. You may be able to take a picture of this type of abuse. Other people may be able to look at you and see your injuries. You may be able to get medical records documenting the physical abuse you've experienced.

When the average person thinks of abuse they usually think first of physical abuse. Physical abuse may be used to control the victim, to inflict pain or injury, or to intimidate or terrorize. Physical abuse can manifest itself in many different ways including:

• Hitting (including slapping with an open hand and punching with a fist)
• Kicking
• Hair pulling
• Choking or smothering
• Dragging
• Pushing
• Grabbing
• Pinching
• Holding you down
• Spitting on you
• Twisting or pulling on body parts
• Blocking the door or restraining you
• Biting
• Throwing or breaking things
• Burning
• Stabbing or cutting
• Preventing you from seeking medical care
• Shooting
• Murder

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One form of abuse that people don't commonly think of when it comes to DOMESTIC violence is sexual abuse.  Until fairly recently in history it was thought that a woman should submit to her husband any time he wanted. In some cultures women are still treated as property where men should be able to have sexual relations with them whenever they please. However, it is very important to point out that any type of force used in a relationship to coerce someone to perform a sexual act is, in fact, sexual abuse whether the two people are married, life partners, or are just dating. Sexual abuse may take on many forms such as:

• Rape (vaginal, oral, or anal assault)
• Unwanted touching or sexual play
• Forcing you to get pregnant or have an abortion
• Forcing you to have unprotected sex
• Pressuring you verbally to have sex when you don't want to
• Calling you vulgar names or insulting your sexuality/body
• Forcing you to participate in pornography (watching or producing)
• Forcing you to have sex with someone besides your partner
• Forcing you to watch your partner have sex with someone else
• Checking your underwear or body parts for signs of a sexual encounter with someone else

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One of the types of abuse that is most difficult to recognize is mental/psychological/verbal abuse. The people that tell me that their "abuse isn't as bad as [mine]" often times are victims mainly of this type of abuse. It can be very hard to recognize because the abuser doesn't start off doing these things. In the beginning he/she may be very charming, sweet, compassionate, caring, and patient. However, there are tiny red flags that will start to creep into the relationship, little by little. At first you may not notice them or you may dismiss them - "oh, he's just having a bad day" or "nobody is perfect". After some time, though, you may start to notice that something is amiss, but you just can't put your finger on it. You probably don't even recognize that what is happening is abuse.

Something I hear often is "it's not abuse, he's just a jerk" or "he's just being an ass."  This is not a particularly useful thing to say to the victim because it is not only most likely false, but will also minimize the pain that the victim may be experiencing and prevent them from seeking further help. I know many survivors who did not realize they were being mentally, psychologically, or verbally abused until after they ended the relationship.

We are not often educated about mental/psychological/emotional abuse which makes it very hard to identify as abuse, and can make it even harder to leave the abuser because you may think that you can change him/her, or that things will get better if he/she just goes to therapy, or quits drinking, or is less stressed out. In the vast majority of cases this is not true. Abusers almost never change. When they do it's because they really want to change, and because they go to incredible lengths to change their personality. Abuse is a learned behavior that must be unlearned - quite a difficult task.

I like to warn people - it is not advisable to go to couples therapy with an abuser. He/she may manipulate the sessions and may use things said in the sessions against you later. Normally, an abuser will need extensive individual therapy as well as partner abuse intervention training before he/she will be ready to start couples therapy. If you plan on staying in an abusive relationship and working through your problems with your abuser, I advise you to begin individual therapy for yourself as well.

Abusers verbally, mentally, and psychologically abuse their victims in order to gain control of them, to undermine their self worth and self esteem, to alter their perceptions of reality, and to create a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. Examples of verbal, mental, and psychological abuse could fill hundreds of pages. By no means is this list meant to be exhaustive. These are some of the examples that jumped to my mind as I was writing this:

• Jealousy (for example, constantly insisting that you're cheating or looking at other men/women)
• Possessiveness (for example, not letting you have friends or trying to control where you go and who you hang out with)
• Guilt tripping (making you feel like you're a bad person if you do X, Y, or Z)
• Insulting you, putting you down, calling you names, or embarrassing and humiliating you
• Threatening or intimidating you
• Isolating you from friends and family (many victims find that by the time they leave their abuser they have no one left to turn to because the abuser has systematically eliminated all of their contact with outsiders)
• Checking your phone/e-mail/Facebook/etc. or insisting you give him/her your passwords
• Breaking your things or hiding things such as your keys or cell phone
• Animal abuse - the abuser may physically harm, neglect, starve, or even kill your pet because they know that it will hurt you
• Child abuse - similar to animal abuse, your abuser may physically, mentally, or sexually abuse your children or force you to abuse your own children
• Not allowing you to have any privacy or "alone time"
• Making you constantly feel like you're doing something wrong
• Constantly forcing you to justify your actions
• Shaming you for your sexual orientation, race, religion, or for any other reason
• Yelling or shouting at you
• Calling/texting you at all hours or constantly checking up on you
• Mocking you
• Cussing at you
• Harassing you
• Picking fights or constantly arguing with you
• Gaslighting (distorting reality and making you feel like YOU are the "crazy one" - see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting)
• Never taking the blame for anything
• Playing mind games and twisting reality
• Lying and manipulating
• Stalking you
• Threatening to "out" you to your friends, family, employer - about your sexual orientation, sexual activity, alcohol of drug use, or for any number of other reasons
• Preventing you from practicing your religion or mocking your religion
• Preventing you from eating well and exercising or sabotaging your efforts to lose weight or maintain a healthy weight

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Another type of abuse that I had never even heard of until I began the process of leaving my abuser is financial abuse. Abusers may use this type of abuse to, again, control their victim, to ensure that their victim will not have the economic means to live without their abuser, and to decrease their victim's sense of self worth or self esteem. There are various ways that an abuser may achieve these goals, including:

• Withholding money or not allowing you access to your bank account
• Spending money faster than it is earned or accumulating large amounts of debt (especially in your name)
• Sabotaging your job or education, causing you to get fired or expelled from school
• Not allowing you to work or get an education (because if you work and have an education you will be better prepared for a life without your abuser in his/her eyes)
• Putting all the bills and/or credit cards in your name
• Guilting you into spending your hard earned money all on him/her
• Not allowing you to make personal purchases or belittling you for purchases that you make

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 You may experience any combination of these types of abuse. NONE of them are ok. No one should do ANY of these things to you. But, if they do please consider that you may be in an abusive relationship and try to get help. You are not alone.