*Trigger alert* Some of the scenarios and examples listed here may be a trigger for those that have experienced abuse. Please proceed with caution.
If you are asking yourself whether you may be in an abusive relationship please read these lists of examples of the different types of abuse. If any of them are happening to you, you may be in an abusive relationship. You may want to consider contacting a local women's shelter, a mental health professional or physician, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224. If you feel that your abuser may be checking your phone or internet browser please find a safe telephone or a safe place to use a computer. Often when abusers find out that their victim is seeking help they escalate their behavior and the situation can become quite dangerous.
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The first, and perhaps the most obvious, category of abuse is physical abuse. I say most obvious because it's almost tangible. You may have cuts, bruises, broken bones, or scrapes. You may be able to take a picture of this type of abuse. Other people may be able to look at you and see your injuries. You may be able to get medical records documenting the physical abuse you've experienced.
When the average person thinks of abuse they usually think first of physical abuse. Physical abuse may be used to control the victim, to inflict pain or injury, or to intimidate or terrorize. Physical abuse can manifest itself in many different ways including:
- Hitting (including slapping with an open hand and punching with a fist)
- Kicking
- Hair pulling
- Choking or smothering
- Dragging
- Pushing
- Grabbing
- Pinching
- Holding you down
- Spitting on you
- Twisting or pulling on body parts
- Blocking the door or restraining you
- Biting
- Throwing or breaking things
- Burning
- Stabbing or cutting
- Preventing you from seeking medical care
- Shooting
- Murder
One form of abuse that people don't commonly think of when it comes to DOMESTIC violence is sexual abuse. Until fairly recently in history it was thought that a woman should submit to her husband any time he wanted. In some cultures women are still treated as property where men should be able to have sexual relations with them whenever they please. However, it is very important to point out that any type of force used in a relationship to coerce someone to perform a sexual act is, in fact, sexual abuse whether the two people are married, life partners, or are just dating. Sexual abuse may take on many forms such as:
- Rape (vaginal, oral, or anal assault)
- Unwanted touching or sexual play
- Forcing you to get pregnant or have an abortion
- Forcing you to have unprotected sex
- Pressuring you verbally to have sex when you don't want to
- Calling you vulgar names or insulting your sexuality/body
- Forcing you to participate in pornography (watching or producing)
- Forcing you to have sex with someone besides your partner
- Forcing you to watch your partner have sex with someone else
- Checking your underwear or body parts for signs of a sexual encounter with someone else
One of the types of abuse that is most difficult to recognize is mental/psychological/verbal abuse. The people that tell me that their "abuse isn't as bad as [mine]" often times are victims mainly of this type of abuse. It can be very hard to recognize because the abuser doesn't start off doing these things. In the beginning he/she may be very charming, sweet, compassionate, caring, and patient. However, there are tiny red flags that will start to creep into the relationship, little by little. At first you may not notice them or you may dismiss them - "oh, he's just having a bad day" or "nobody is perfect". After some time, though, you may start to notice that something is amiss, but you just can't put your finger on it. You probably don't even recognize that what is happening is abuse.
Something I hear often is "it's not abuse, he's just a jerk" or "he's just being an ass." This is not a particularly useful thing to say to the victim because it is not only most likely false, but will also minimize the pain that the victim may be experiencing and prevent them from seeking further help. I know many survivors who did not realize they were being mentally, psychologically, or verbally abused until after they ended the relationship.
We are not often educated about mental/psychological/emotional abuse which makes it very hard to identify as abuse, and can make it even harder to leave the abuser because you may think that you can change him/her, or that things will get better if he/she just goes to therapy, or quits drinking, or is less stressed out. In the vast majority of cases this is not true. Abusers almost never change. When they do it's because they really want to change, and because they go to incredible lengths to change their personality. Abuse is a learned behavior that must be unlearned - quite a difficult task.
I like to warn people - it is not advisable to go to couples therapy with an abuser. He/she may manipulate the sessions and may use things said in the sessions against you later. Normally, an abuser will need extensive individual therapy as well as partner abuse intervention training before he/she will be ready to start couples therapy. If you plan on staying in an abusive relationship and working through your problems with your abuser, I advise you to begin individual therapy for yourself as well.
Abusers verbally, mentally, and psychologically abuse their victims in order to gain control of them, to undermine their self worth and self esteem, to alter their perceptions of reality, and to create a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. Examples of verbal, mental, and psychological abuse could fill hundreds of pages. By no means is this list meant to be exhaustive. These are some of the examples that jumped to my mind as I was writing this:
- Jealousy (for example, constantly insisting that you're cheating or looking at other men/women)
- Possessiveness (for example, not letting you have friends or trying to control where you go and who you hang out with)
- Guilt tripping (making you feel like you're a bad person if you do X, Y, or Z)
- Insulting you, putting you down, calling you names, or embarrassing and humiliating you
- Threatening or intimidating you
- Isolating you from friends and family (many victims find that by the time they leave their abuser they have no one left to turn to because the abuser has systematically eliminated all of their contact with outsiders)
- Checking your phone/e-mail/Facebook/etc. or insisting you give him/her your passwords
- Breaking your things or hiding things such as your keys or cell phone
- Animal abuse - the abuser may physically harm, neglect, starve, or even kill your pet because they know that it will hurt you
- Child abuse - similar to animal abuse, your abuser may physically, mentally, or sexually abuse your children or force you to abuse your own children
- Not allowing you to have any privacy or "alone time"
- Making you constantly feel like you're doing something wrong
- Constantly forcing you to justify your actions
- Shaming you for your sexual orientation, race, religion, or for any other reason
- Yelling or shouting at you
- Calling/texting you at all hours or constantly checking up on you
- Mocking you
- Cussing at you
- Harassing you
- Picking fights or constantly arguing with you
- Gaslighting (distorting reality and making you feel like YOU are the "crazy one" - see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting)
- Never taking the blame for anything
- Playing mind games and twisting reality
- Lying and manipulating
- Stalking you
- Threatening to "out" you to your friends, family, employer - about your sexual orientation, sexual activity, alcohol of drug use, or for any number of other reasons
- Preventing you from practicing your religion or mocking your religion
- Preventing you from eating well and exercising or sabotaging your efforts to lose weight or maintain a healthy weight
Another type of abuse that I had never even heard of until I began the process of leaving my abuser is financial abuse. Abusers may use this type of abuse to, again, control their victim, to ensure that their victim will not have the economic means to live without their abuser, and to decrease their victim's sense of self worth or self esteem. There are various ways that an abuser may achieve these goals, including:
- Withholding money or not allowing you access to your bank account
- Spending money faster than it is earned or accumulating large amounts of debt (especially in your name)
- Sabotaging your job or education, causing you to get fired or expelled from school
- Not allowing you to work or get an education (because if you work and have an education you will be better prepared for a life without your abuser in his/her eyes)
- Putting all the bills and/or credit cards in your name
- Guilting you into spending your hard earned money all on him/her
- Not allowing you to make personal purchases or belittling you for purchases that you make
You may experience any combination of these types of abuse. NONE of them are ok. No one should do ANY of these things to you. But, if they do please consider that you may be in an abusive relationship and try to get help. You are not alone.
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