Francesca's Story (unedited version):
Written on September 29, 2011
I am writing to tell my story – of how I have been a victim
and survivor of repeated, relentless domestic violence – and to bring the
weaknesses in the justice system and the general lack of knowledge in the
community about domestic violence to your attention.
I married my ex-husband in October of 2005 thinking that he was a kind, gentle, compassionate, and caring man. Not until I was pregnant with our child did I see his true character. When I was about 6 months pregnant he slapped me across my face, leaving me with a black eye, and knocking me to the ground. Luckily nothing happened to my baby, but the abuse did not end there. At the time I was living in Ecuador, I was trapped and scared. Some physical abuse occurred sporadically through the rest of my pregnancy, as well as extensive verbal abuse.
My daughter was born in June of 2007, and we traveled to the U.S. permanently in August of 2007. Once there he did not hold back. Just three weeks after arriving in the U.S. there had already been three calls made to the police on domestic disputes, and he was arrested after battering me while I had our infant daughter in my arms. As I tried to call 911 he ripped the phone cord out of the wall. He threatened me that if I testified against him that he would kill me, and I believed him. He had begun to tell me that he wanted to kill his ex-girlfriend because she was making him pay child support. He had it all planned out, and had several different strategies ready – from infecting her with HIV with the use of tainted blood, to knocking her out with chloroform and injecting her with a drug, or simply throwing her off of a high bridge and into a river. I was so afraid of him that I did not testify at the trial, and the charges were dropped. He later had the case expunged from his record.
I did not dare to call the police again for domestic disputes for fear of the repercussions, but the beatings continued. He broke my nose at one point, spraying blood all over our carpeting. He made me go to the doctor with him so that I couldn’t tell them how my nose was broken. I lied and said it was his ex-girlfriend that had punched me in the face. He has no ex-girlfriends in the U.S. He had never even been in the U.S. until I brought him in August 2007. Another time he forcibly threw me on the floor, and I landed on my hand, breaking a finger. Again he came to the doctor with me. Rape was a regular occurrence in our "home," and I cannot count the number of times I laid in bed crying as he raped me. He also strangled me on a regular basis, slammed my head into the walls of our home, leaving large holes, tortured me sexually, mentally, psychologically, and ruined me financially.
He hit our three your old daughter in the face, leaving a large bruise, then kept her home from day care for several days until the bruise was no longer visible. He put her head through our bathroom wall, which was reported to the Illinois DCFS (Department of Children and Family Services). DCFS decided that he did, in fact, abuse our daughter, but they did not pursue the case any further. He constantly called her names, emotionally abusing her, and to this day she still suffers from his harsh words. She says “he is mean and all he did was hit us, yell at us, and break things.” I tried so hard to protect her from him, but every time he would hit her, I would step in, and receive my own beating on her behalf. Since he has left she has disclosed even more information regarding his behavior. He also choked her, pulled her hair, and plunged her into ice cold water when she’d have a potty accident. Many of these things I witnessed, but could not find the courage at the time to report it since I was sure he would kill me or kidnap my daughter if I did.
Perhaps one of the worst parts of this whole story is that he almost killed me. Actually, he did kill me, but thankfully doctors were able to revive me. In this particular incident we were involved in a heated discussion because I had to leave Ecuador to return to the U.S. for medical school and my graduate work in biochemistry. He had not obtained a visa to come to the U.S. at that point, and threatened to divorce me if I did not stay with him in Ecuador. He grabbed my wrists, screamed at me, and then threatened me with a screwdriver. I ran home knowing that I would divorce him, and knowing that I had a flight back to the U.S. in about three days. I laid down to take a nap, and did not wake up until four days later. I was on a ventilator in the hospital, and they informed me that I had undergone cardiac arrest on several occasions. They also said that they thought I would never make it, and if I did I would be a vegetable for the rest of my life. The coma was so profound that I received the lowest rating on the Glasgow coma scale (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glasgow_Coma_Scale). It is truly a miracle that I survived. At the time I did not know what had happened because I had no memory of anything that could have put me into a coma. I was informed that I had been walking around town acting in a very strange manner for about 24 hours before falling into a coma. I never suspected my husband at that point because I thought he was in love with me, and those are not the kinds of thoughts that cross a wife’s mind. He was at my bedside the entire time, running to the pharmacy to purchase medical supplies and medications. It all made him look like a hero, so I reconsidered divorcing him, since I felt I owed him for “saving my life.” As he began abusing me more and more I kept thinking about when I was in a coma, and started to realize, with the help of domestic violence advocates at a local women's shelter, that he had poisoned me. It is my firm belief that I was poisoned with scopolamine, a common date rape drug in parts of Latin America. It causes hallucinations and delirium, and can lead to coma and death in an overdose. He has sabotaged my career, my jobs, did not allow me to have any friends or family in my life, destroyed my home, and beat my pets. This man is a danger to society, but still, nothing is happening to him for all that he has done to us.
When I have told my story to friends and family a few people’s reaction is to ask why I didn’t leave sooner, or they simply don’t believe me at all. It is a shock to me how undereducated the public is on domestic violence. People do not understand how difficult it is to escape. It is almost impossible to gather evidence, because the abuser will find a way to destroy it. No one on the outside knows what is happening because the abuser has the victim trapped and alone. He cuts her off from all outside interaction, and attempts to control her mind, and in many cases, he is successful. Living with a man like my ex-husband is like having a gun pointed at your head every single day, and you just don’t know when the gun is going to go off. If a woman does manage to escape, the justice system does little to help or protect her. I have had a domestic violence advocate tell me that there is only a 50/50 chance that someone will get convicted of domestic battery in Champaign County (Illinois), even in cases where there are bloody pictures, good witnesses, hospital reports, and other evidence. This is why women cannot simply just walk out the door. It is a real life or death risk to leave a man that believes he owns you. You could, and many have, die in the process. 4 out of 5 deaths due to domestic battery occur when a woman tries to leave. The justice system does little to protect us. They may give us an order of protection, but really, what does that little piece of paper do to stop a sociopathic psychopathic madman. (For more on why she stays see: http://stopviolence.com/domviol/whytheystay.htm).
I am asking for your help to educate the public on these issues. Women are beaten every day by their husbands, and it is a misdemeanor. You can get a felony charge for getting in a bar fight, but if you beat your wife, the justice system is sending a message that you will only get a slap on the wrist, if even that. It is also sending the same message with regard to child abuse. I cannot believe that child abuse is a misdemeanor. A parent is the one person in the world that should be protecting that child at all costs. To me it is a mortal sin to abuse your own child, and I think that stricter laws need to be put in place to protect our children. In my particular case my ex-husband beat me on a regular basis, almost killed me, beat our child, and received nothing more than a slap on the wrist for violating the order of protection I had against him (he was never charged with domestic battery or child abuse despite the wealth of evidence presented). He received court supervision for violating the order of protection, which means his record can be expunged if he complies with his sentence. There is nothing to show for what he did to either me or my daughter. On the other hand, if I do not allow this monster to see my child I can be found in contempt of court, and possibly receive a jail sentence myself. Where is the justice in this? I can’t even make sense of it.
I married my ex-husband in October of 2005 thinking that he was a kind, gentle, compassionate, and caring man. Not until I was pregnant with our child did I see his true character. When I was about 6 months pregnant he slapped me across my face, leaving me with a black eye, and knocking me to the ground. Luckily nothing happened to my baby, but the abuse did not end there. At the time I was living in Ecuador, I was trapped and scared. Some physical abuse occurred sporadically through the rest of my pregnancy, as well as extensive verbal abuse.
My daughter was born in June of 2007, and we traveled to the U.S. permanently in August of 2007. Once there he did not hold back. Just three weeks after arriving in the U.S. there had already been three calls made to the police on domestic disputes, and he was arrested after battering me while I had our infant daughter in my arms. As I tried to call 911 he ripped the phone cord out of the wall. He threatened me that if I testified against him that he would kill me, and I believed him. He had begun to tell me that he wanted to kill his ex-girlfriend because she was making him pay child support. He had it all planned out, and had several different strategies ready – from infecting her with HIV with the use of tainted blood, to knocking her out with chloroform and injecting her with a drug, or simply throwing her off of a high bridge and into a river. I was so afraid of him that I did not testify at the trial, and the charges were dropped. He later had the case expunged from his record.
I did not dare to call the police again for domestic disputes for fear of the repercussions, but the beatings continued. He broke my nose at one point, spraying blood all over our carpeting. He made me go to the doctor with him so that I couldn’t tell them how my nose was broken. I lied and said it was his ex-girlfriend that had punched me in the face. He has no ex-girlfriends in the U.S. He had never even been in the U.S. until I brought him in August 2007. Another time he forcibly threw me on the floor, and I landed on my hand, breaking a finger. Again he came to the doctor with me. Rape was a regular occurrence in our "home," and I cannot count the number of times I laid in bed crying as he raped me. He also strangled me on a regular basis, slammed my head into the walls of our home, leaving large holes, tortured me sexually, mentally, psychologically, and ruined me financially.
He hit our three your old daughter in the face, leaving a large bruise, then kept her home from day care for several days until the bruise was no longer visible. He put her head through our bathroom wall, which was reported to the Illinois DCFS (Department of Children and Family Services). DCFS decided that he did, in fact, abuse our daughter, but they did not pursue the case any further. He constantly called her names, emotionally abusing her, and to this day she still suffers from his harsh words. She says “he is mean and all he did was hit us, yell at us, and break things.” I tried so hard to protect her from him, but every time he would hit her, I would step in, and receive my own beating on her behalf. Since he has left she has disclosed even more information regarding his behavior. He also choked her, pulled her hair, and plunged her into ice cold water when she’d have a potty accident. Many of these things I witnessed, but could not find the courage at the time to report it since I was sure he would kill me or kidnap my daughter if I did.
Perhaps one of the worst parts of this whole story is that he almost killed me. Actually, he did kill me, but thankfully doctors were able to revive me. In this particular incident we were involved in a heated discussion because I had to leave Ecuador to return to the U.S. for medical school and my graduate work in biochemistry. He had not obtained a visa to come to the U.S. at that point, and threatened to divorce me if I did not stay with him in Ecuador. He grabbed my wrists, screamed at me, and then threatened me with a screwdriver. I ran home knowing that I would divorce him, and knowing that I had a flight back to the U.S. in about three days. I laid down to take a nap, and did not wake up until four days later. I was on a ventilator in the hospital, and they informed me that I had undergone cardiac arrest on several occasions. They also said that they thought I would never make it, and if I did I would be a vegetable for the rest of my life. The coma was so profound that I received the lowest rating on the Glasgow coma scale (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glasgow_Coma_Scale). It is truly a miracle that I survived. At the time I did not know what had happened because I had no memory of anything that could have put me into a coma. I was informed that I had been walking around town acting in a very strange manner for about 24 hours before falling into a coma. I never suspected my husband at that point because I thought he was in love with me, and those are not the kinds of thoughts that cross a wife’s mind. He was at my bedside the entire time, running to the pharmacy to purchase medical supplies and medications. It all made him look like a hero, so I reconsidered divorcing him, since I felt I owed him for “saving my life.” As he began abusing me more and more I kept thinking about when I was in a coma, and started to realize, with the help of domestic violence advocates at a local women's shelter, that he had poisoned me. It is my firm belief that I was poisoned with scopolamine, a common date rape drug in parts of Latin America. It causes hallucinations and delirium, and can lead to coma and death in an overdose. He has sabotaged my career, my jobs, did not allow me to have any friends or family in my life, destroyed my home, and beat my pets. This man is a danger to society, but still, nothing is happening to him for all that he has done to us.
When I have told my story to friends and family a few people’s reaction is to ask why I didn’t leave sooner, or they simply don’t believe me at all. It is a shock to me how undereducated the public is on domestic violence. People do not understand how difficult it is to escape. It is almost impossible to gather evidence, because the abuser will find a way to destroy it. No one on the outside knows what is happening because the abuser has the victim trapped and alone. He cuts her off from all outside interaction, and attempts to control her mind, and in many cases, he is successful. Living with a man like my ex-husband is like having a gun pointed at your head every single day, and you just don’t know when the gun is going to go off. If a woman does manage to escape, the justice system does little to help or protect her. I have had a domestic violence advocate tell me that there is only a 50/50 chance that someone will get convicted of domestic battery in Champaign County (Illinois), even in cases where there are bloody pictures, good witnesses, hospital reports, and other evidence. This is why women cannot simply just walk out the door. It is a real life or death risk to leave a man that believes he owns you. You could, and many have, die in the process. 4 out of 5 deaths due to domestic battery occur when a woman tries to leave. The justice system does little to protect us. They may give us an order of protection, but really, what does that little piece of paper do to stop a sociopathic psychopathic madman. (For more on why she stays see: http://stopviolence.com/domviol/whytheystay.htm).
I am asking for your help to educate the public on these issues. Women are beaten every day by their husbands, and it is a misdemeanor. You can get a felony charge for getting in a bar fight, but if you beat your wife, the justice system is sending a message that you will only get a slap on the wrist, if even that. It is also sending the same message with regard to child abuse. I cannot believe that child abuse is a misdemeanor. A parent is the one person in the world that should be protecting that child at all costs. To me it is a mortal sin to abuse your own child, and I think that stricter laws need to be put in place to protect our children. In my particular case my ex-husband beat me on a regular basis, almost killed me, beat our child, and received nothing more than a slap on the wrist for violating the order of protection I had against him (he was never charged with domestic battery or child abuse despite the wealth of evidence presented). He received court supervision for violating the order of protection, which means his record can be expunged if he complies with his sentence. There is nothing to show for what he did to either me or my daughter. On the other hand, if I do not allow this monster to see my child I can be found in contempt of court, and possibly receive a jail sentence myself. Where is the justice in this? I can’t even make sense of it.
One of the most difficult problems I think battered women
and children face is that the abuser isolates the victim to the point where
most of the time there are no eyewitnesses. Because of this it makes these
cases very difficult to prosecute, but even worse, it makes the state’s
attorney’s office reluctant to even pursue it because they see it as a waste of
money and resources. I am confident that if gone unchecked my ex-husband will
once again do serious damage to someone, and as his violence escalates he may
even wind up killing someone. Everyone around me knows it. My domestic violence
counselor knows it. My daughter’s therapist knows it. The women’s shelter knows
it. But they are all powerless to do anything to get this man off of the
streets.
The police at times are not helpful, the prosecuting attorneys do not always charge the crimes, and juries do not always convict, even in the most clear cut cases. Jurors are extremely uneducated about such issues, and most likely believe that the women could have just left. It is just not that easy.
The police at times are not helpful, the prosecuting attorneys do not always charge the crimes, and juries do not always convict, even in the most clear cut cases. Jurors are extremely uneducated about such issues, and most likely believe that the women could have just left. It is just not that easy.
The state’s attorney has informed me that they will not be
charging this man with domestic battery despite hospital records, pictures, and
very detailed testimony I can give regarding the abuse. My mother was a witness
to his abuse while she was living with us. My daughter has told her counselor
about the abuse she witnessed and received. My daughter went to a forensic interview with the police at which she detailed the abuse he inflicted on me, my daughter, and our pets. This was videotaped and sent to the state's attorney's office for review. How is it possible that this will
go uncharged when there is so much evidence to show that this happened? I was
reading today that a law was put into place that classifies choking someone as a class two
felony even if it is a first time offense. My ex-husband choked me more times
than I can count. Why isn’t he being charged for doing so? In other types of
cases eyewitnesses are considered to be unreliable at best; why do I need an
eyewitness to what has happened to me? When someone is murdered, many times there
are no eyewitnesses, but there are still a lot of convictions. Here I am the
eye witness, I am the victim. I know exactly what happened. Why isn’t my
testimony enough to charge and convict this man? I fear for the general public,
but more specifically any significant others he will have, or any further
children he will father. He is a dangerous sociopath, and needs to be removed
from society.
DCFS did nothing to report this child abuse to the state’s attorney’s office. The police did not send all of the police reports on violations of the order of protection to the state’s attorney’s office, and it seems there is a total breakdown in communication from all of the agencies that could possibly help to punish this horrible criminal.
Just today my ex-husband was granted unsupervised visits
with my daughter despite his history of extreme abuse against her and me. She
is about to receive a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder because of
all she has been through with him, but I cannot seem to find help anywhere. I
have been turned away by more organizations than I care to count.
I would like to make this case go public in order to show the community what kinds of injustices are happening every day, and to educate them on what they can do to help. The only thing I have left at this point is the media. I do not know where else to turn for help. DCFS, CASA, the police, the state’s attorney have all told me that they are all unable to help me. My lawyer refuses to fight for me, and I do not have money to hire a different attorney. The women’s shelter has been an invaluable resource, but they are unable to do much since they do not have the level of authority needed to make a change in this case.
I would like to make this case go public in order to show the community what kinds of injustices are happening every day, and to educate them on what they can do to help. The only thing I have left at this point is the media. I do not know where else to turn for help. DCFS, CASA, the police, the state’s attorney have all told me that they are all unable to help me. My lawyer refuses to fight for me, and I do not have money to hire a different attorney. The women’s shelter has been an invaluable resource, but they are unable to do much since they do not have the level of authority needed to make a change in this case.
I am asking you please to help me in this case. Please make
sure that this criminal is brought to justice both for what he has done to me,
and for what he has done to my daughter. Do not allow him to harm her any
further. She is terrified of him, and begins to have flashbacks and nightmares
about him whenever she has to be around him. This "man" has lost the privilege of
acting as a father because of the horrors he has committed against her. I hope
that you understand my plight, and that you will fight for women’s rights and
change in our laws. Domestic violence is NOT a family matter. It is everyone’s
business. It affects us all even if we are not directly abused. Women should be
able to speak out against their abusers. They should be able to bring their
abusers to justice. The public should be educated about what it means to be
battered, and why it is so difficult to escape. With stiffer punishments, and
better prevention, many women would be able to leave sooner. PLEASE help me and
all women fight for what is fundamentally right.
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