The cycle keeps turning... until it doesn't anymore.

Who AM I? How did I wind up here? When did I turn into this person? I don't even recognize myself anymore! - These are just some of the thoughts going through my mind when I finally realized I needed to leave my abuser.

(I apologize in advance for this being so long, but so much just came pouring out, and I didn't want to stop it. It needed to be said).

I had become a shell of a person. I was alive but barely living. Being abused is a full-time job.

Living around someone so volatile, constantly walking on eggshells, evaluating every word that comes out of your mouth, every action you make, just to try to keep the peace is EXHAUSTING.

I knew fairly early on that something was wrong. There were little warning signs in the beginning. Or maybe they were big warning signs. He ditched me on our first date. Later he disappeared for a few days. Then we went on a beach trip together and he was making phone calls and refused to let me listen because he was "talking to his pastor." He was jealous. He was possessive. One week after we got married we had a blow out argument over something insignificant. So insignificant I can't even remember what it was. He told me we were over. And I, for better or worse, begged him to stay. I couldn't let a marriage fail after just ONE WEEK.

Things gradually got better again. And then they got worse. We "broke up". I was living in the US and he was in Ecuador. I would rarely hear from him, and when I did he was drunk. He told me that I broke his heart and that he was drinking and smoking and not eating because of me. I felt so guilty! I must have been some horrible person, I thought. It turned into a mess of arguing, making up, ignoring each other, and repeating. I finally decided to get a divorce. I was finished. My friends even had an intervention to tell me that he was toxic and I needed to stay away from him.

Somehow, some way, I wound up back in Ecuador (I had a non-profit group and was taking them there to do volunteer work). I could have avoided him. I could have stayed away. But somehow I got sucked back in. And things were amazing. Couldn't have been better. I was so damn happy.

Then...it happened. I was three days away from traveling back to the U.S. to go back to medical school and my Ph.D. program. He still didn't have his visa. We put a delay on applying for it because we had "broken up," remember? It all came to a head that day. ***trigger alert***

We was trying to convince me to stay in Ecuador and skip out on school. No way was I going to give up my entire future for anyone, let alone this "man" that I had had such a rocky relationship with. I told him that I would be going back, that I would be attending school that fall, and that he could just wait until he got his visa. After all, it would only be a few more months. "WHAT? YOU DON'T LOVE ME?! HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITHOUT ME FOR THAT LONG??" "It's not that big of a deal," I said. What's a few months when we have the rest of our lives together?

Something inside of him snapped. He grabbed me by the wrists (hard), and screamed at me. I don't remember now what he was saying but he wanted me to stay in Ecuador at all costs. I shouted back. I wasn't having it! He picked up a screwdriver and threatened me with it.

I was done. I was definitely going to get a divorce now. My mind was made up. This was IT! I ran out of the store where this happened, walked to a natural foods store and bought some valerian root tea to calm my nerves. I walked home, made the tea, and got in bed to take a nap (it was around 4pm on a Friday if I remember correctly).

What happened next is unbelievable. So unbelievable that I didn't even sort out what happened until three years later, crying and slumped over at the women's shelter when I finally did leave him.

I woke up. I opened my eyes and didn't recognize where I was. I got startled. I looked around. I heard an odd noise. I thought to myself "that's funny, that sounds like a ventilator." Then I realized I couldn't move my hands or feet. I was tied down! That's when it hit me - I'm in the hospital and I'm intubated. This tube is down my throat helping me breathe. How the hell did I get here??

I slipped back into unconsciousness and at some point I woke up again and saw my ex-husband standing over me crying. Big tears. I couldn't talk because I had a tube down my throat. He told me they didn't think I would ever wake up - and if I did I'd surely be a vegetable for the remainder of my (short) life. I was so confused yet I couldn't ask how I wound up in such a state. He left the room (visiting hours were very restricted), and I slipped in and out of consciousness for a couple more days. They left the tube in for two or three more days. The nurses would come in and stick a brush down my throat and force me to cough to try to keep it clean. I had a central line threaded into my subclavian artery. I had a urinary catheter. I was hooked up to IV's. And, of course, there was this tube down my throat. I had more an more intense pain as the coma wore off.

When they finally did take the tube out I could still barely talk. I had completely lost my voice. I was very weak. I was still confined to the hospital bed in this decrepit third world public hospital. I had worked in these hospitals for a few years. I knew that if you didn't buy your own IV tubing, needles, syringes, medications, stitches, that they would let you die. They didn't have most of their own supplies. In fact, I had been transported 45 minutes from the town where I had been living because they didn't even have a ventilator or working X-ray machine there. The paramedics had been squeezing air into my lungs for the 45 minute ambulance ride, keeping me alive.

One day, probably around four days into my ICU stay, a psychiatrist came into my room with an ICU doctor. I told them I was pretty sure I had broken ribs because I had horrible sharp pain in my side. I had broken ribs before and the feeling was all too familiar. I also had a nasty cough and thought I needed antibiotics, but they took me as a nut and ignored my requests. "You don't have a broken rib, how would you have broken your rib? You've been laying in this hospital bed for four days." Nevermind that the firefighter that saved my life punched me repeatedly in the chest to try to get my heart going. Yes. That's right. Cardiac arrest. THREE TIMES. I died in my home. I died in the ambulance. And, I died on the table at the ER.

Aside from the ICU doctor being incredibly rude the psychiatrist came to talk to me about "why [I] tried to kill [myself.]" "Huh???????!!!!" I asked. "What are you talking about?" The psychiatrist proceeded to tell me that my ex-husband had stated that I had tried to commit suicide. Again I said "huh????"

I was in medical school and doing well. I was on my way to getting my Ph.D. I had an awesome social life with wonderful friends. I had a non-profit organization that was doing well. I had never been happier, aside from the issue with my possessive husband.

"Oh, no," the doctor said. "This man saved your life." Apparently while I was in a coma he had somehow figured out how to withdraw money from my bank account and had been buying my medicines and IV tubing and diapers and catheters and blood tests and the tube that was down my throat for those first few days.

Honestly, I don't know what I thought to myself in that moment. It was total chaos in my mind. Total confusion. Why would I try to kill myself??? I kept thinking over and over and trying to remember the moments leading up to this coma. But, all I could remember was laying down for a nap.

I was told over and over that I had somehow overdosed myself on medication. I couldn't wrap my brain around anything they were telling me but I had no other explanation as to what happened to me. And my "husband" just saved my life! I was forever indebted to him. That divorce I was sure I was going to get - how could I do that now? Who just ups and leaves the person that saves their life, I thought. I can't do that!

As time went on, honestly, I began to accept that I may have tried to kill myself. But deep down I knew that I didn't. I just didn't know WHAT had happened.

And, what happened next is also pretty unbelievable and a source of my bitterness to this day. Hopefully, someday soon I can let it go, but it's still so fresh in my mind.

I called my medical school to tell them that I had been in a coma and that, as a result, I had missed my plane back to the states. I needed an extension, I needed more time to get back to school. Remarkably, they already knew about my coma. Someone had called them. "Who?" I asked. "Marco Enquito," they told me. "But, I don't know any 'Marco Enquito.'" Then it dawned on me - his name wasn't "Marco Enquito." It was "Marco," and he was calling from "Quito" (the capital of Ecuador).

He had already called and told them I had tried to commit suicide. What did they do? To make a long part of the story short - they forced me on medical leave. They told me that I needed to have a psychiatric evaluation before I could come back to school. I might be a danger to patients. A danger to patients? Me? I had never been a danger so ANYONE in my life.

I cried and cried but finally accepted my fate and their plan. I took that year off, and eventually took their little psych eval. I came up to Chicago and met with a panel of psychologists, psychiatrist, and honestly, I don't know who else they were. I was asked to bring a list of people that knew me that could vouch for me and my stability. They asked me a million questions about my childhood. They made me take tests with 600 questions, such as "do you like flowers?" They asked me about my relationship. "Oh, it's fabulous," I told them. Surely, if they knew the truth, they would mark me as cooky and have me kicked out of school. I lied through my teeth. My ex had already been arrested for domestic battery at this point, but I still lied. I tried to cover it all up.

They asked me what happened. I told them that I didn't know, I didn't remember. They were all very cordial and sent me on my way. The most interesting part of the process is when I was forced to wait in a little room while they interviewed my ex at length. He went in first. I will never know what he told them. What I do know is that they did not call any of my family or friends. No one could vouch for me except for him. Why would he vouch for me? He didn't want me in medical school. It threatened his manhood.

A few weeks later I got a letter from the psych eval people. They had decided that I was the nut. They told the medical school that I was a danger to any patients I might have contact with. Why? Because I was a manipulative deceptive liar. How's that? Because I "tried" to kill myself and then lied about it by saying I didn't remember doing it. Oh, really.

Their recommendation? One year of weekly therapy with a Ph.D. level psychologist specialized in DBT. Fine, I thought. I'll just do it, and I'll go back to school next year.

I started calling around and realized that this type of psychologist was very hard to find. They didn't even have one in Champaign, where I was living at the time. I had to drive 45 minutes to even find one with a Ph.D. and they didn't have training in DBT. I didn't have any money. I didn't have health insurance. I couldn't afford to go to therapy once a week for an hour and travel in order to do it. So, I gave up. I decided to read about DBT on my own, and try to gather references to defend myself the following year when I went back up for evaluation.

Guess what happened? "Oh, you didn't do the therapy, why not?" "Well, I couldn't find a qualified psychologist, and I couldn't afford it anyhow." Permission to go back to school: denied. I was to be let go from the medical school and the graduate program. My career, as I knew it, was over. I was crushed. I still am.

Yet, all through this, I still didn't realize what the actual truth was.

Fast forward three years - I've just kicked him out of the house. Because of fear I go to stay at a shelter for a couple of days. The counselor on duty spent hours talking to me. Talking me out of going back, talking me out of feeling guilty, making me realize that I made the right decision and just needed to be strong. I told her my whole story, including what I just wrote here.

What she said changed my life, saved my life. And then, the biggest realization I could have ever had: HE DID IT. He tried to kill me.

I'll never forget the exact words that the counselor said to me: "Did you ever consider that he may have done this to you?" Oh, my God. My mother had considered it. She tried to convince me of it. I didn't want to listen to her because I was in deep denial about my relationship. My husband would never do that to me. He loved me too much.

And, then I started thinking about it all. His repeated warnings about scopolamine, a South American version of roofies. "Never accept drinks from anyone," he'd say. He told all my American friends and volunteers. "Watch out for scopolamine! It's so easy to get! I know exactly where to get it! It's soooo easy!"

What exactly is scopolamine? It's a dangerous drug. It has, in the past, been used as a pre-anesthetic. Yes, it's that powerful. In tiny doses it's used in patches for motion sickness. It large doses it causes memory loss (remember how I couldn't remember a damn thing?), psychotic episodes and violent behavior (people later told me that I wasn't acting like myself for the 24 hours after I laid down for my nap ... and then slipped into the coma). High enough doses cause respiratory failure, coma, and... death. (For more about scopolamine see: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scopolamine)

I combed my brain for all memories from around the incident. I thought about everything people told me about how I had acted around that time, things I had done. That was it, I thought, he poisoned me.  But why poison me and then turn around and save my life? I have a couple of theories. The first is that he intended to kill me, but got caught in the act somehow, and then had to play the hero (after all, he WAS a firefighter, right?) The second is that he intended to discapacitate me, perhaps brainwash me (it's a common urban legend that scopolamine is a brain-washing drug), convince me not to go back to the U.S. in three days to attend medical school. Perhaps he just wanted to discapacitate me enough to make me miss my plane. And perhaps he miscalculated and gave me way too much of the drug. He had to backpedal and try to save me. And how convenient because it made him look like the hero AND bonus! it got me kicked out of medical school.

My life really began to spiral downward after all of this happened. The abuse waxed and waned. Slowly I turned into a completely different person. Just surviving. Survival mode. That's all I knew at that point. I never knew when the violence or the outbursts were coming. Learned helplessness.

So, what was the point of this whole story? There were a couple of points. First, I'll get to what I was thinking when I sat down to write this post. Then, I want to mention the cycle of violence which ties this whole story together.

When I realized that I had completely lost myself that's when I knew it was time to make a plan to leave. How did I know I had completely lost myself? I no longer had friends. Before I was a social butterfly. I no longer had contact with most of my family. Before we were much closer. Before I was going to be a doctor. Now, well, I wasn't. My life was torn to bits and pieces. My credit was in the toilet, my house had been destroyed, my fur baby had been hit by a car due to his negligence and killed. My health had deteriorated to the point where I was diagnosed with degenerative arthritis and fibromyalgia. I checked into the ER one night for excessive vomiting and he left me there, saying he was sick of me being sick. My sexuality was gone. I was raped several times per week. Shamed for not "wanting it." My daughter had become withdrawn and had been a victim of his rants and had even been hit by him. She was scared of her own "father." And the culmination of it all -- I started sleeping on the couch with a giant butcher knife under my pillow. In. my. own. house. I was so terrified that he would kill me in the middle of the night that I had to have the knife there. When he would fight with me in the kitchen I would fantasize about hitting him over the head with a frying pan. Not fantasizing in a good way - but fantasizing that maybe that would end all my pain. One day he attacked me in the living room. I grabbed the solid wooden pole that had been blocking the sliding glass door. I waved it at him, told him not to come any closer to me or I'd hit him. I banged the pole on the ground and the solid wood cracked in half. I had had enough. I went to the kitchen and threw some glasses in the sink and broken them. I dumped his precious protein powder down the garbage disposal. I was out of my freaking mind. I ran outside with my pole for protection, got into my car, and sat there to cool down. I realized this was no way to live. I had to end it, and I didn't want to end it by doing something that would land me in jail. I had to end it with a divorce and an order of protection. A few more weeks passed after that last incident. I was waiting for the right moment, still exhausted and too scared to leave. Then I found the picture. Him and some girl.

I marched into the living room where he was sitting, confronted him about it, and ordered him out of the house by the end of the night. Around 2am he loaded all his clothes into his car and drove off.

And that... was that.


The entire relationship was a horrifying, violent roller coaster. It's a miracle that I got out alive. Why do abusive relationships usually mirror this up and down ride of misery? The cycle of violence.

Everything starts out wonderfully. Slowly tension builds. He picks on you. Insults you. Calls you names, maybe. Picks fights. Tension builds for, usually, a long time. Then one day he snaps. Fists may rain down on you. Mean words. Violent outbursts. Sexual abuse. A slap in the face. After the violence episode he may act like he's sorry. Apologize profusely. Bring you flowers. Tell you he'll never do it again. Promise to get couseling/go to AA/go to church/change his ways. You may start to feel sorry for him. Well, maybe I can forgive you - he really seems sincere. Let's start over. And you do. And it starts all over again. Tension building. Explosion. Honeymoon. Tension building. Explosion. Honeymoon. Over and over. Until you just can't take it anymore, and finally decide it's not worth living that life.

Will he change? Does he really mean it? Is he actually sorry at that moment? Frankly, in my opinion, no. (http://www.mdjunction.com/forums/domestic-violence-discussions/general-support/2569460-your-abuser-will-never-change)

Does it happen? Once in a blue moon. But massive efforts and REAL remorse is needed on the part of the abuser. My abuser was a full blown sociopath. Three of my counselors, two of them specialized in domestic violence, agreed that he was a full blown sociopath. Did you know that sociopaths do not ever feel remorse? Did you know that they can pass polygraphs even when they're lying because they don't feel guilt over their actions? Sociopaths don't have the same types of feelings or emotions that a "regular" person has. They don't feel sorry for their victims - they only have the capacity to feel sorry for themselves. They are INCAPABLE of love. They manipulate their victims during the honeymoon phase, convincing them to change, when they KNOW they have no intention of following through. But as long as the victim falls for it they will keep doing it.

Two great articles about sociopaths:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201305/how-spot-sociopath
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201305/confessions-sociopath

Please take a look at these examples I found of the so-called "cycle of violence." Does this mirror your relationship with your abuser? Have you seen a friend or family member go through this cycle?

And this is what a healthy, balanced relationship looks like:

It took me a long time, but I finally realized I deserved more. And, I've found more. No one deserves to be treated badly.

Think about the situation you're in - if you saw a friend going through the same thing would you act with compassion?

Be more compassionate with yourself. You deserve it.

Types of abuse

Something I hear a lot is: "but your abuse was so much worse than mine." "My abuse wasn't a big deal compared to yours." I don't really like to think of any type of abuse as being worse or better than another. It's all abuse, and it all hurts. You can't compare abuse stories and classify one as better or worse than the other. Why? Because everyone is different. We all have different coping mechanisms, we all have different levels of tolerance for pain, whether physical or emotional. Abuse is encountered in different stages of our lives - maybe you experienced abuse in childhood while I experienced it while I was in my late 20's and early 30's. There are many different types of abuse and all of them affect each of us differently. Each victim experiences a different mixture of the different types of abuse. No two stories are equal. No one story is worse or better than any other story. So before you think to yourself that your abuse is "no big deal," remember my words, and take a look at some of the different types of abuse and how they can manifest themselves.

*Trigger alert* Some of the scenarios and examples listed here may be a trigger for those that have experienced abuse. Please proceed with caution.

If you are asking yourself whether you may be in an abusive relationship please read these lists of examples of the different types of abuse. If any of them are happening to you, you may be in an abusive relationship. You may want to consider contacting a local women's shelter, a mental health professional or physician, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224. If you feel that your abuser may be checking your phone or internet browser please find a safe telephone or a safe place to use a computer. Often when abusers find out that their victim is seeking help they escalate their behavior and the situation can become quite dangerous.
 
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The first, and perhaps the most obvious, category of abuse is physical abuse. I say most obvious because it's almost tangible. You may have cuts, bruises, broken bones, or scrapes. You may be able to take a picture of this type of abuse. Other people may be able to look at you and see your injuries. You may be able to get medical records documenting the physical abuse you've experienced.

When the average person thinks of abuse they usually think first of physical abuse. Physical abuse may be used to control the victim, to inflict pain or injury, or to intimidate or terrorize. Physical abuse can manifest itself in many different ways including:

• Hitting (including slapping with an open hand and punching with a fist)
• Kicking
• Hair pulling
• Choking or smothering
• Dragging
• Pushing
• Grabbing
• Pinching
• Holding you down
• Spitting on you
• Twisting or pulling on body parts
• Blocking the door or restraining you
• Biting
• Throwing or breaking things
• Burning
• Stabbing or cutting
• Preventing you from seeking medical care
• Shooting
• Murder

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One form of abuse that people don't commonly think of when it comes to DOMESTIC violence is sexual abuse.  Until fairly recently in history it was thought that a woman should submit to her husband any time he wanted. In some cultures women are still treated as property where men should be able to have sexual relations with them whenever they please. However, it is very important to point out that any type of force used in a relationship to coerce someone to perform a sexual act is, in fact, sexual abuse whether the two people are married, life partners, or are just dating. Sexual abuse may take on many forms such as:

• Rape (vaginal, oral, or anal assault)
• Unwanted touching or sexual play
• Forcing you to get pregnant or have an abortion
• Forcing you to have unprotected sex
• Pressuring you verbally to have sex when you don't want to
• Calling you vulgar names or insulting your sexuality/body
• Forcing you to participate in pornography (watching or producing)
• Forcing you to have sex with someone besides your partner
• Forcing you to watch your partner have sex with someone else
• Checking your underwear or body parts for signs of a sexual encounter with someone else

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One of the types of abuse that is most difficult to recognize is mental/psychological/verbal abuse. The people that tell me that their "abuse isn't as bad as [mine]" often times are victims mainly of this type of abuse. It can be very hard to recognize because the abuser doesn't start off doing these things. In the beginning he/she may be very charming, sweet, compassionate, caring, and patient. However, there are tiny red flags that will start to creep into the relationship, little by little. At first you may not notice them or you may dismiss them - "oh, he's just having a bad day" or "nobody is perfect". After some time, though, you may start to notice that something is amiss, but you just can't put your finger on it. You probably don't even recognize that what is happening is abuse.

Something I hear often is "it's not abuse, he's just a jerk" or "he's just being an ass."  This is not a particularly useful thing to say to the victim because it is not only most likely false, but will also minimize the pain that the victim may be experiencing and prevent them from seeking further help. I know many survivors who did not realize they were being mentally, psychologically, or verbally abused until after they ended the relationship.

We are not often educated about mental/psychological/emotional abuse which makes it very hard to identify as abuse, and can make it even harder to leave the abuser because you may think that you can change him/her, or that things will get better if he/she just goes to therapy, or quits drinking, or is less stressed out. In the vast majority of cases this is not true. Abusers almost never change. When they do it's because they really want to change, and because they go to incredible lengths to change their personality. Abuse is a learned behavior that must be unlearned - quite a difficult task.

I like to warn people - it is not advisable to go to couples therapy with an abuser. He/she may manipulate the sessions and may use things said in the sessions against you later. Normally, an abuser will need extensive individual therapy as well as partner abuse intervention training before he/she will be ready to start couples therapy. If you plan on staying in an abusive relationship and working through your problems with your abuser, I advise you to begin individual therapy for yourself as well.

Abusers verbally, mentally, and psychologically abuse their victims in order to gain control of them, to undermine their self worth and self esteem, to alter their perceptions of reality, and to create a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. Examples of verbal, mental, and psychological abuse could fill hundreds of pages. By no means is this list meant to be exhaustive. These are some of the examples that jumped to my mind as I was writing this:

• Jealousy (for example, constantly insisting that you're cheating or looking at other men/women)
• Possessiveness (for example, not letting you have friends or trying to control where you go and who you hang out with)
• Guilt tripping (making you feel like you're a bad person if you do X, Y, or Z)
• Insulting you, putting you down, calling you names, or embarrassing and humiliating you
• Threatening or intimidating you
• Isolating you from friends and family (many victims find that by the time they leave their abuser they have no one left to turn to because the abuser has systematically eliminated all of their contact with outsiders)
• Checking your phone/e-mail/Facebook/etc. or insisting you give him/her your passwords
• Breaking your things or hiding things such as your keys or cell phone
• Animal abuse - the abuser may physically harm, neglect, starve, or even kill your pet because they know that it will hurt you
• Child abuse - similar to animal abuse, your abuser may physically, mentally, or sexually abuse your children or force you to abuse your own children
• Not allowing you to have any privacy or "alone time"
• Making you constantly feel like you're doing something wrong
• Constantly forcing you to justify your actions
• Shaming you for your sexual orientation, race, religion, or for any other reason
• Yelling or shouting at you
• Calling/texting you at all hours or constantly checking up on you
• Mocking you
• Cussing at you
• Harassing you
• Picking fights or constantly arguing with you
• Gaslighting (distorting reality and making you feel like YOU are the "crazy one" - see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting)
• Never taking the blame for anything
• Playing mind games and twisting reality
• Lying and manipulating
• Stalking you
• Threatening to "out" you to your friends, family, employer - about your sexual orientation, sexual activity, alcohol of drug use, or for any number of other reasons
• Preventing you from practicing your religion or mocking your religion
• Preventing you from eating well and exercising or sabotaging your efforts to lose weight or maintain a healthy weight

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Another type of abuse that I had never even heard of until I began the process of leaving my abuser is financial abuse. Abusers may use this type of abuse to, again, control their victim, to ensure that their victim will not have the economic means to live without their abuser, and to decrease their victim's sense of self worth or self esteem. There are various ways that an abuser may achieve these goals, including:

• Withholding money or not allowing you access to your bank account
• Spending money faster than it is earned or accumulating large amounts of debt (especially in your name)
• Sabotaging your job or education, causing you to get fired or expelled from school
• Not allowing you to work or get an education (because if you work and have an education you will be better prepared for a life without your abuser in his/her eyes)
• Putting all the bills and/or credit cards in your name
• Guilting you into spending your hard earned money all on him/her
• Not allowing you to make personal purchases or belittling you for purchases that you make

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 You may experience any combination of these types of abuse. NONE of them are ok. No one should do ANY of these things to you. But, if they do please consider that you may be in an abusive relationship and try to get help. You are not alone.

Why we stay - my perspective

I think one of the questions I've been asked the most (and perhaps one of the questions I've asked myself the most) is "why did you stay?" There are many different versions of this question:

• "Why the hell didn't you get out?" 
• "What were you thinking?"
• "Of all people I would have never expected you to tolerate that." 
• "How could you let someone do that to you?"
• "I thought you were smarter than that?"

...and so on, and so forth. This question can be incredibly irritating even if the person asking it means well. The feeling I get when I hear these types of questions is that it's somehow my fault that I was abused. Somehow I was the cause, and if I had just left, it would have all stopped. While this seems like a perfectly reasonable and obvious solution, nothing about domestic violence is ever easy or simple. There is a plethora of reasons why people stay in abusive relationships, and everyone's story is different. Sure - there are often similarities between abusers and abusive relationships. Sometimes those similarities are uncanny! But, ultimately the details will differ, and I couldn't even begin to list all the possible reasons why someone would stay.

Here are some of the reasons why *I* stayed as long as I did (5 years):

• Charm. I list this first because it is probably the earliest form of manipulation that led me to stay in my abusive relationship. If abusers acted like abusers from day one they probably wouldn't be able to have very many relationships. My abuser was very charming in the beginning. It seemed too good to be true (because it was). He doted on me. He did things for me. He treated me like I was the most important person in the world. And that can be very flattering, particularly, if you have low self-esteem like I did.
• Vulnerability. This can take on many different forms, but in my case I had lost my father to a long battle with cancer approximately one month before meeting my abuser. My father and I were extremely close, and I took it very hard. There were qualities that my abuser had that reminded me of my father on some subconscious level. I'm sure my abuser sensed all of this, sniffed it out like a rabid dog, and went into predator mode. Abusers seem to have a sixth sense that allows them to pick out the perfect victims. I was in no state of mind to go up against that.
• Past exposure to abuse. I had been exposed to a large amount of verbal abuse, controlling behavior, and manipulation in the past. I regarded it as normal because I grew up around it. When it started to happen to me I didn't immediately recognize it as abuse because I normalized it. By the time the physical abuse started I was already entrenched in the relationship (I was pregnant at that point). This normalization of abuse in the household, and even by society in general (don't get me started on this - it will be a totally separate blog topic) makes it difficult for an individual to realize they are in a sticky situation. (Side note: it is a well known fact that girls that witness domestic violence are more likely to become victims of domestic violence in the future; boys that witness domestic violence are more likely to become abusers themselves).
• Lack of education regarding domestic violence. Nowadays many schools have programs that teach teens about dating violence. There was no such program when I was in school. I don't remember anyone ever talking to me about abuse, not even my mother. I think there was a sense of "that won't happen to my daughter" and "if I ignore it, it won't happen." If I had been educated on the topic I may have been able to recognize early warning signs that my abuser exhibited, and may have ran far, far away. Some of these early warning signs include jealousy, possessiveness, always wanting to spend every moment together. While I didn't necessarily enjoy those traits in him, they did feel a bit flattering. I thought he really, really cared about me and just loved me so much he couldn't spend a minute apart from me. Wrong! (Read more about early warning signs of future abuse: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm)
• I have a daughter. I was raised to believe that families should stay together no matter what. I was reluctant to break up my "family" by leaving my abuser. I didn't want to take her "father" away from her. It took a long time for me to realize that no father is better than a crappy abusive father. Staying together for the "sake" of the child(ren) is an exceptionally bad idea I found.
• Guilt. My ex had me so brainwashed I thought that I would be a horrible person if I just "abandoned" him. He was from a different country, and I "dragged him" to the U.S. How could I just leave him "all alone" in a strange place when he could barely speak the language?
• Fear. I never wanted to be a single mother, and I thought I couldn't handle it. This was compounded by the fact that my ex made me feel like a worthless piece of garbage that couldn't do anything right.
• Sheer terror. This was a huge factor in keeping me in that relationship. My abuser told me multiple times he would kill me if I ever tried to leave. He also threatened to kidnap my daughter and run off to the jungle with her where I'd never be able to find her. He terrorized me with the threat of great bodily harm (genital mutilation) if I ever was with another man again (including in a future marriage).
• Embarrassment. I was ashamed to admit to anyone that I was being abused. So, somehow in my twisted reality I thought it would be better to hide it.
• Isolation. My abuser single-handedly, slowly, and insidiously isolated me to the point where I no longer had friends. Before meeting him I was very social - I had TONS of friends - and used to go out several times a week. After years of abuse I was so beaten down I didn't even want friends anymore because it was too much of a hassle to constantly have to explain my situation to people and to constantly have to explain to my ex that no, I was not cheating on him, I just wanted to have a friend or two. I was terrified of being alone, and even worse, without friends or family. He alienated EVERYONE in my life except my mother, who wouldn't stand for it.
• Baggage. I worried that no one would ever love me "again" (I use quotation marks because my abuser was not actually capable of loving anyone besides himself) because I would now have so much baggage. I knew I was "damaged goods." I literally felt stupid and figured everyone else would think the same of me. My abuser worked hard to convince me that no one would even want me because I was "fat," "ugly," "stupid," "a slut," "a horrible wife and mother," "a bitch," and so on.
• Physical inability to leave. My abuser blockaded me in the house whenever I tried to leave him. He would beat me down, choke me, hold me, block doors, knock me on the ground, anything he could do to physically force me to stay home. I would eventually get exhausted and give up, which leads me to...
• Exhaustion. Being in an abusive relationship is a full-time job. It drains every last ounce of energy you have and leaves you with little else to work with. I had three jobs by the time our relationship ended. I had a three year old child to take care of. Where would I possibly get the energy to leave him, file for divorce, actually go through the divorce, all while continuing to work? I just didn't have the energy to face all of that. There was a strong feeling of hopelessness and helplessness that permeated my life.
• Failure of the justice system. This is one of the more important reasons why I stayed as long as I did, and will likely be the subject of several future blog posts. My abuser was arrested in 2007 for hitting me and was never prosecuted for it. He later expunged it from his record. The result was that the state's attorney's victim's advocate decided that my case was not worth pursuing since I did not choose to press charges the first time he was arrested. The police stopped taking me seriously as well. But why didn't I pursue charges the first time? He was arrested in the evening. The next morning he was released ON HIS OWN RECOGNIZANCE... in other words, he didn't even have to pay a dime to get out of jail because he had never been arrested before. (Let's not forget that he had been in the U.S. for 3 weeks so of COURSE he didn't have a record!!!?!!!) Even though there was a no contact order in place, he still came home as soon as he could get there and told me that if I testified in court or called the police again that he would kill me. If I did testify in court I knew he wouldn't go to jail, or if he did, it would only be for a very short time. How did I know this? The maximum penalty for a misdemeanor domestic battery charge (yes, that's right, it's a misdemeanor!!) is 364 days in the county jail (not prison). The state's attorney's office informed me that they would be offering him a deal where he would get off with probation. Clearly, this type of "punishment" was not going to stop him. I knew that. And I also knew, in my altered reality, that if he went to jail, or if he was convicted of domestic battery, that he would come for me. Revenge was a given.
• Intimidation. My abuser constantly talked about how much he hated his ex-girlfriend (a.k.a. the mother of his other abandoned daughter). He would plot ways to kill her and get her out of the picture. Inject her with HIV tainted blood! Knock her out with chloroform and slit her throat! All this talk had the, probably, desired effect of scaring the living daylights out of me. Did I really want to cross someone like that?! What was he secretly plotting for me?
• Twisted sense of reality. All of these reasons melted together at the time to make me one confused mess. I somehow was convinced that I couldn't survive on my own, and that no one else would want me anyways. I even thought that financially I would suffer. This is laughable because my abuser, in the five years we were together, probably worked for a total of about 6 months. For $7-9/hour. And then he bought a BMW with his student loan money when we didn't even have money for groceries. It somehow took a long time for me to realize that he was actually nothing more than an extra mouth to feed. An extra, demanding, controlling, manipulative, abusive mouth. Financially I would be better off without him. And that was the beginning of the end. When I realized that my life would actually be easier without him than with him in it. It even surprises me that the real beginning of the end started with that BMW purchase. It's odd the things that will trigger us into waking up.

What was the final straw? This is a bit off topic, but I think it's fitting. The first big trigger, as I mentioned, was the purchase of the BMW. The final straw was finding out he had been cheating on me with girls at work. It's still a bit of a mystery to me why cheating upset me more than the abuse. But, when I found out, I thought to myself: this man beats, degrades, insults me, but then claims to love me. But to cheat on me, on top of all this, is more than I can bear. Not only does it mean to me that he doesn't love me, but it's a giant slap in the face. Here I am barely surviving because of the actions of this "man," and he doesn't even appreciate all that I go through for him. One last realization that allowed me to finally find the courage to leave was that he was not a real father. He was not a dad, a daddy, or a papi. He was a monster. My daughter would be better off without him. And she is.


All this being said there are lots of other reasons why people stay in abusive relationships. Here is a small sampling of a few other reasons that come to mind:

• Financial dependance on the abuser. If the victim does not have the means to make a living without the abuser this can be a huge barrier to leaving.
• No place to go. If the victim is living in the abuser's home he or she may have no place to go after leaving the abusive home. Choosing between homelessness and abuse can be very difficult.
• Love. The victim may still be in love with the abuser, and may think that they can change them. They may long for the days when things were picture perfect. There may be a constant sense of "if I just do X, Y, or Z, he/she will be happy, and things will be good again." The problem is that when you fix one problem the abuser will invariably find something else to harp on. The abuser will probably also shower the victim with apologies, gifts, and/or promises that it will "never happen again." If you're like me, you don't always realize that there are some people out there that are just plain mean liars. You may like to believe in the good in people. The problem with this line of thinking is that some people are just NOT good people. Abusers do what they can to not lose control of you, and that includes lying about their intentions.
• Facing family and friends. The victim may feel that people will criticize them or make fun of them for having "let themselves" get abused - you know, the whole "why didn't you just leave" line of questioning. Chances are the victim is already being way too hard on him- or herself. Hearing these kinds of comments/questions from friends or family just adds insult to injury.
• Religious/cultural beliefs. Religion can be a powerful influence. Some abusers will even use their victim's religion against them by telling them that their "disobedience" goes against the teachings of the Bible, the Qur'an, the Torah, or other religious scripture and writings. Many cultures still frown upon divorce, even in cases of extreme abuse.
• Victim blaming. Unfortunately, our society places a lot of blame on the victim. One glaring example of this is "slut shaming" in cases of sexual assault. "Well, she was wearing a mini skirt." "She was asking for it by the way she was dressed." "I could tell she wanted it because she was wearing a low cut shirt." These messages may be communicated to women directly or indirectly. There are very subtle societal norms that tell women that they are supposed to be a certain way. One way they are supposed to be is obedient to their husband. Thanks to these types of messages they may feel like it's their fault that the relationship has failed. They may feel that they failed as a partner.
• Compassion. The victim, most likely, is very compassionate by nature. He or she may think that the abuser deserves compassion (and, hence, another chance... and another chance...and another chance...) because of a difficult past. While the abuser may deserve compassion on some level, having a difficult past should not be a free pass to abuse someone else.

This list could go on forever... but let me leave you with this:

 The question should not be "why does she stay?" 

                      ...but, instead, "why does he abuse her?"

My abuse story in a nutshell

I think a good place to start is with a general overview of my "abuse story." This was something I wrote up and sent to Congressmen, the Circuit Clerk of the county I was residing in at the time, women's groups, and anywhere else I could think of. It was picked up (and slightly edited) by the National Domestic Violence Hotline - http://www.thehotline.org - and published here: http://www.thehotline.org/2011/11/francescas-story/. They are a fantastic organization and you can find a wealth of information on their website. If you or someone you know is in an abusive situation it is a great place to start. Call their hotline at: 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

Francesca's Story (unedited version):
Written on September 29, 2011

I am writing to tell my story – of how I have been a victim and survivor of repeated, relentless domestic violence – and to bring the weaknesses in the justice system and the general lack of knowledge in the community about domestic violence to your attention.

I married my ex-husband in October of 2005 thinking that he was a kind, gentle, compassionate, and caring man. Not until I was pregnant with our child did I see his true character. When I was about 6 months pregnant he slapped me across my face, leaving me with a black eye, and knocking me to the ground. Luckily nothing happened to my baby, but the abuse did not end there. At the time I was living in Ecuador, I was trapped and scared. Some physical abuse occurred sporadically through the rest of my pregnancy, as well as extensive verbal abuse.

My daughter was born in June of 2007, and we traveled to the U.S. permanently in August of 2007. Once there he did not hold back. Just three weeks after arriving in the U.S. there had already been three calls made to the police on domestic disputes, and he was arrested after battering me while I had our infant daughter in my arms. As I tried to call 911 he ripped the phone cord out of the wall. He threatened me that if I testified against him that he would kill me, and I believed him. He had begun to tell me that he wanted to kill his ex-girlfriend because she was making him pay child support. He had it all planned out, and had several different strategies ready – from infecting her with HIV with the use of tainted blood, to knocking her out with chloroform and injecting her with a drug, or simply throwing her off of a high bridge and into a river. I was so afraid of him that I did not testify at the trial, and the charges were dropped. He later had the case expunged from his record.

I did not dare to call the police again for domestic disputes for fear of the repercussions, but the beatings continued. He broke my nose at one point, spraying blood all over our carpeting. He made me go to the doctor with him so that I couldn’t tell them how my nose was broken. I lied and said it was his ex-girlfriend that had punched me in the face. He has no ex-girlfriends in the U.S. He had never even been in the U.S. until I brought him in August 2007. Another time he forcibly threw me on the floor, and I landed on my hand, breaking a finger. Again he came to the doctor with me. Rape was a regular occurrence in our "home," and I cannot count the number of times I laid in bed crying as he raped me. He also strangled me on a regular basis, slammed my head into the walls of our home, leaving large holes, tortured me sexually, mentally, psychologically, and ruined me financially.

He hit our three your old daughter in the face, leaving a large bruise, then kept her home from day care for several days until the bruise was no longer visible. He put her head through our bathroom wall, which was reported to the Illinois DCFS (Department of Children and Family Services). DCFS decided that he did, in fact, abuse our daughter, but they did not pursue the case any further. He constantly called her names, emotionally abusing her, and to this day she still suffers from his harsh words. She says “he is mean and all he did was hit us, yell at us, and break things.” I tried so hard to protect her from him, but every time he would hit her, I would step in, and receive my own beating on her behalf. Since he has left she has disclosed even more information regarding his behavior. He also choked her, pulled her hair, and plunged her into ice cold water when she’d have a potty accident. Many of these things I witnessed, but could not find the courage at the time to report it since I was sure he would kill me or kidnap my daughter if I did.

Perhaps one of the worst parts of this whole story is that he almost killed me. Actually, he did kill me, but thankfully doctors were able to revive me. In this particular incident we were involved in a heated discussion because I had to leave Ecuador to return to the U.S. for medical school and my graduate work in biochemistry. He had not obtained a visa to come to the U.S. at that point, and threatened to divorce me if I did not stay with him in Ecuador. He grabbed my wrists, screamed at me, and then threatened me with a screwdriver. I ran home knowing that I would divorce him, and knowing that I had a flight back to the U.S. in about three days. I laid down to take a nap, and did not wake up until four days later. I was on a ventilator in the hospital, and they informed me that I had undergone cardiac arrest on several occasions. They also said that they thought I would never make it, and if I did I would be a vegetable for the rest of my life. The coma was so profound that I received the lowest rating on the Glasgow coma scale (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glasgow_Coma_Scale). It is truly a miracle that I survived. At the time I did not know what had happened because I had no memory of anything that could have put me into a coma. I was informed that I had been walking around town acting in a very strange manner for about 24 hours before falling into a coma. I never suspected my husband at that point because I thought he was in love with me, and those are not the kinds of thoughts that cross a wife’s mind. He was at my bedside the entire time, running to the pharmacy to purchase medical supplies and medications. It all made him look like a hero, so I reconsidered divorcing him, since I felt I owed him for “saving my life.” As he began abusing me more and more I kept thinking about when I was in a coma, and started to realize, with the help of domestic violence advocates at a local women's shelter, that he had poisoned me. It is my firm belief that I was poisoned with scopolamine, a common date rape drug in parts of Latin America. It causes hallucinations and delirium, and can lead to coma and death in an overdose. He has sabotaged my career, my jobs, did not allow me to have any friends or family in my life, destroyed my home, and beat my pets. This man is a danger to society, but still, nothing is happening to him for all that he has done to us.

When I have told my story to friends and family a few people’s reaction is to ask why I didn’t leave sooner, or they simply don’t believe me at all. It is a shock to me how undereducated the public is on domestic violence. People do not understand how difficult it is to escape. It is almost impossible to gather evidence, because the abuser will find a way to destroy it. No one on the outside knows what is happening because the abuser has the victim trapped and alone. He cuts her off from all outside interaction, and attempts to control her mind, and in many cases, he is successful. Living with a man like my ex-husband is like having a gun pointed at your head every single day, and you just don’t know when the gun is going to go off. If a woman does manage to escape, the justice system does little to help or protect her. I have had a domestic violence advocate tell me that there is only a 50/50 chance that someone will get convicted of domestic battery in Champaign County (Illinois), even in cases where there are bloody pictures, good witnesses, hospital reports, and other evidence. This is why women cannot simply just walk out the door. It is a real life or death risk to leave a man that believes he owns you. You could, and many have, die in the process. 4 out of 5 deaths due to domestic battery occur when a woman tries to leave. The justice system does little to protect us. They may give us an order of protection, but really, what does that little piece of paper do to stop a sociopathic psychopathic madman. (For more on why she stays see: http://stopviolence.com/domviol/whytheystay.htm).

I am asking for your help to educate the public on these issues. Women are beaten every day by their husbands, and it is a misdemeanor. You can get a felony charge for getting in a bar fight, but if you beat your wife, the justice system is sending a message that you will only get a slap on the wrist, if even that.  It is also sending the same message with regard to child abuse. I cannot believe that child abuse is a misdemeanor. A parent is the one person in the world that should be protecting that child at all costs. To me it is a mortal sin to abuse your own child, and I think that stricter laws need to be put in place to protect our children. In my particular case my ex-husband beat me on a regular basis, almost killed me, beat our child, and received nothing more than a slap on the wrist for violating the order of protection I had against him (he was never charged with domestic battery or child abuse despite the wealth of evidence presented). He received court supervision for violating the order of protection, which means his record can be expunged if he complies with his sentence. There is nothing to show for what he did to either me or my daughter. On the other hand, if I do not allow this monster to see my child I can be found in contempt of court, and possibly receive a jail sentence myself. Where is the justice in this? I can’t even make sense of it.

One of the most difficult problems I think battered women and children face is that the abuser isolates the victim to the point where most of the time there are no eyewitnesses. Because of this it makes these cases very difficult to prosecute, but even worse, it makes the state’s attorney’s office reluctant to even pursue it because they see it as a waste of money and resources. I am confident that if gone unchecked my ex-husband will once again do serious damage to someone, and as his violence escalates he may even wind up killing someone. Everyone around me knows it. My domestic violence counselor knows it. My daughter’s therapist knows it. The women’s shelter knows it. But they are all powerless to do anything to get this man off of the streets.

The police at times are not helpful, the prosecuting attorneys do not always charge the crimes, and juries do not always convict, even in the most clear cut cases. Jurors are extremely uneducated about such issues, and most likely believe that the women could have just left. It is just not that easy.

The state’s attorney has informed me that they will not be charging this man with domestic battery despite hospital records, pictures, and very detailed testimony I can give regarding the abuse. My mother was a witness to his abuse while she was living with us. My daughter has told her counselor about the abuse she witnessed and received. My daughter went to a forensic interview with the police at which she detailed the abuse he inflicted on me, my daughter, and our pets. This was videotaped and sent to the state's attorney's office for review. How is it possible that this will go uncharged when there is so much evidence to show that this happened? I was reading today that a law was put into place that classifies choking someone as a class two felony even if it is a first time offense. My ex-husband choked me more times than I can count. Why isn’t he being charged for doing so? In other types of cases eyewitnesses are considered to be unreliable at best; why do I need an eyewitness to what has happened to me? When someone is murdered, many times there are no eyewitnesses, but there are still a lot of convictions. Here I am the eye witness, I am the victim. I know exactly what happened. Why isn’t my testimony enough to charge and convict this man? I fear for the general public, but more specifically any significant others he will have, or any further children he will father. He is a dangerous sociopath, and needs to be removed from society.

DCFS did nothing to report this child abuse to the state’s attorney’s office. The police did not send all of the police reports on violations of the order of protection to the state’s attorney’s office, and it seems there is a total breakdown in communication from all of the agencies that could possibly help to punish this horrible criminal.

Just today my ex-husband was granted unsupervised visits with my daughter despite his history of extreme abuse against her and me. She is about to receive a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder because of all she has been through with him, but I cannot seem to find help anywhere. I have been turned away by more organizations than I care to count.

I would like to make this case go public in order to show the community what kinds of injustices are happening every day, and to educate them on what they can do to help. The only thing I have left at this point is the media. I do not know where else to turn for help. DCFS, CASA, the police, the state’s attorney have all told me that they are all unable to help me. My lawyer refuses to fight for me, and I do not have money to hire a different attorney. The women’s shelter has been an invaluable resource, but they are unable to do much since they do not have the level of authority needed to make a change in this case.

I am asking you please to help me in this case. Please make sure that this criminal is brought to justice both for what he has done to me, and for what he has done to my daughter. Do not allow him to harm her any further. She is terrified of him, and begins to have flashbacks and nightmares about him whenever she has to be around him. This "man" has lost the privilege of acting as a father because of the horrors he has committed against her. I hope that you understand my plight, and that you will fight for women’s rights and change in our laws. Domestic violence is NOT a family matter. It is everyone’s business. It affects us all even if we are not directly abused. Women should be able to speak out against their abusers. They should be able to bring their abusers to justice. The public should be educated about what it means to be battered, and why it is so difficult to escape. With stiffer punishments, and better prevention, many women would be able to leave sooner. PLEASE help me and all women fight for what is fundamentally right.

This blog's purpose

This blog was created in order to outline my personal struggle with domestic violence. It is a means to share what living with an abuser has taught me. It is the story of my journey from being a victim that hit rock bottom to becoming an empowered women's and children's rights advocate and survivor.

I'm not quite sure where to start. There is so much to say. I want to talk about the abuse that I lived through. I want to talk about the effects it had on me, my daughter, and my pets. I want to talk about my journey of healing ... a journey that will likely continue for the rest of my life. I want to talk about the friends I made and lost along the way. I want to talk about the broader implications of domestic violence, sexual assault, and the objectification of women. I want to talk about how women are presented in the media. I want to talk about rape culture. There is just so much to say about it all. So little by little I hope to piece some of these things together and get my opinions out there. Thank you so much for joining me!